Not everyone can be so lucky as to pee while standing up.

Ok, I have been a slacker. I have not gone all cool and graphics on you. I have slowly strung my few readers along until they are ready to give up hope. And I have been posting crappy posts. . . . . . . I guess you could say it was time for a change.

Therefore, my good and gentle reader, this blog will be upgrading to the new version soon. In addition to the upgrade (we'll see how much of one) to google, I will be doing an upgrade to the posts. Hopefully that is, I plan to get back to the basics. The meat and potatoes of the Spiff-man. I know, you're wondering if you really want to see my meat and potatoes laid bare before you. . . . . . uhm, no, too easy. . . . . . . but I can assure you, it will return to being more along the lines of this post http://truthaboutmen.blogspot.com/2006/09/dont-complain-about-all-power-men-have.html .

I just realized that other post was funny, so I just implied you'd be laughing at my meat and potatoes. . . . . . . well, you might at that. I don't care because I pee standing up. That makes me special in a way that only another man can understand. Think of the power that a person who could pee while standing erect (no pun intended) would have evolutionary-wise over someone who couldn't. Lets say a Man and a Woman just crawled out of the primordial ooze and are standing there all unsteady and wobbly. They look at each other, look around a little, and then start to grunt and undulate in a peculiar fashion until Swamp Man finally gives in and gasps for air. Once Swamp Girl sees that the guy doesn't die immediately, she starts to air breathe too.

Well, they both share a good laugh at their histrionics and panic. Nothing brings on the need to empty the old bladder like a good hard laugh. A typical STP (that'd be Squat-To-Pee) would have to hunker down and place her feet wide and stick out her butt a little to keep from peeing on her grass skirt. I know it was a seaweed skirt, and it wasn't a purposeful skirt, but swamp girl was planning on eating some of that swamp lettuce later and didn't really want to douse it with urine. Swamp Girl may not have silk napkins, but that doesn't mean she's a savage.

Anyway, while Swamp girl is doing her thing, Swamp guy just cuts loose and sprays an arc out into the swamp to watch the ripples. About the time that the Swamp girl is lowered into the deep squats (you know that position where you have to bounce a little before you can actually stand up) and is just letting go good, before the last few drops of pee fall off of Swamp Guys johnson (amazingly enough, it was called a johnson even then) the ripples cloud the vision of the mother of all huge crocodiles and cause it to prematurely blast out of the water to make a lunch out of the Swamp Family Robinson.

Well, as you can imagine. There is nothing quite like being attacked by a primordial lizard to cause you to empty the bowels. . . . . immediately. As the historians disagree on what happened next, there is some room for debate on the next few moments. It is agreed that both Swamp Guy and Swamp Girl escape from the Giant Crocodile. Whether it went after Man or Woman first is up for debate. It is generally agreed upon that if the crocodile had gone right after Swamp Girl, then the history of mankind would have been a lot different, and a lot shorter because that would have left Swamp Guy all alone and you know how much information guys pass on. Anyway,

It is theorized that the erect guy had a momentary warning before the crock exploded right into Swamp Girls face. As any gentleman would, he was trying to warn Swamp Girl before this occurred. As that she was already in the deep squats, this was a futile warning and Swamp Guy would subsequently decide that warning Swamp Girl of things exploding in her face while he is erect and she isn't was a waste of time. (and so a tradition was born)

Anyway, He was turning and starting to yell when he realized he was the primary target for the toothy beast and (another first) immediately and explosively emptied his bowels. Well, the theory breaks down a little in the confusion of the moment here because no one can agree on the next few seconds. Consensus believes that in turning and voiding, Swamp Guy momentarily blinded the beast with fecal matter, allowing them time to escape. Since Consensus is an idiot, the rest of the research team has several other possibilities. Since it is my bloc, and my post, I will put forth my hypothesis for your review.

As Swamp guy leapt away from the maw of destruction, he did in fact defecate explosively and messily. In spraying sewage into the mouth of the beast, he created the first self defense mechanism. In essence, mace and pepper spray are just a chemical alteration of this idea. In addition to blinding the eyes and filling the mouth with the taste of death and decay, the sensory imput made the Crock believe that Swamp Guy was already dead, and did not need to be tooth bitten nor death-rolled and so he set about cleaning himself before dinner instead of mauling the hapless Swamp Guy. Much to the crock's chagrin, Swamp Couple snuck off to discuss their learning of the differences between them and what other ramifications these differences might have on their evolutionary path.

It was determined that since Swamp Guy was ultimately responsible for saving Swamp Girls life, and she didn't really want to be the one dodging the crocodiles, She would laugh at his jokes and let him look all cool in front of his friends and he would keep the lookout while she gave meaning to STP. The bowel emptying look-out duty would be shared. Since it takes the Swamp Guy an hour, Swamp Girl has since renegged on her deal and now openly ridicules him in front of both of their friends, but such is life. It's still better to stand up than STP, and we can write our name in the snow.

Hopefully you will enjoy the revitalization.