You would so have loved me and wanted to kick my ass at the same time.

I recently received an e-mail asking for a little insight into the mind of an admitted womanizer with female abandonment issues. Sounds like someone I used to know. Who am I kidding, you all know that it sounds like me. Just read the profile. I can see why someone would come to me for insight. Sadly enough though, there is only so much I can do with the information I was given. Hence, this post will be more about the general issue of dealing with female abandonment and my own struggle to overcome those issues, rather than a specific “to do” list for the unfortunate person involved with this self centered womanizing jerk. I can say that, because it takes one to know one. I remember who I was, I was a self centered womanizing jerk, I just covered it up well. So, on with the post.

1st off, the abandonment issues are something that will never go away entirely. You (he) can recognize the behavior patterns and realize that it is being caused by being abandoned as a child, but that won't change it. He has to be willing to accept ownership of his emotions and reactions and then change his behavior. That was the hardest thing for me personally and I still struggle with it, the changing of the patterns of behavior that is. Taking ownership of your own issues is easy, you're an adult for goodness sakes. Man up, damn.

I am influenced in many ways, for example: I hate to be wrong. No, I LOATH being wrong. I would rather suffer the ignominy of falling down an escalator backwards and completely nude at the height of the Christmas shopping season when the heat was off (if you know about shrinkage then you understand) than to be proven wrong. I become a serious ass when I am wrong and will argue and twist what was said until the other person gives up or thinks they were wrong. It goes back to me thinking, as a 5 year old child, that I had done something to make my Mom leave. If I had been a better kid, nicer, smarter, cleaned my room more. . . . then she wouldn't have left. Yes, I know this is a ridiculous thought process. As an adult yes, to a 5 year old – not so much. The things we learn as a 5 year old affect how we act when we are 6, 11, 19, and so on. Over time we establish patterns of behavior to deal with our feelings of inadequacy. These are the defenses we use to prevent being hurt. Yes, I know that nothing I did caused the divorce, I know that nothing I did made my Mom not come to visit, or to write or call or any of that stuff. But if I'd have only been better, if maybe I was as perfect as I could be, then I would never feel that way again because no one would leave me ever again. It's rooted really deep inside me. So, I have gotten better, but I'm still an ass about being wrong. It’s just not every time or as much of an ass as before. It’s an ongoing struggle.

A lot of guys have issues from a previous girlfriend (s), their Father being absent or at work all the time, their mother either leaving or being too possessive, there are millions of things that screw us up. Eventually, a person has to take ownership of their issues and seek to change them. I was abandoned by my Mom when I was 5. It hurt. A lot. To compound that, my older sister ran away when I was 10, and I haven't heard from her in over 15 years. I don’t even know if she is alive. I can’t find her. I’ve tried. Again, a lot of hurt and “if I’d have been better!” Both affected me and caused me to build defenses against ever getting left by another woman. There are other contributing factors too, you just have to look a little deeper. My Dad had to work late to make ends meat so I saw him a lot less than was ideal. There was little or no support system for us kids so we really had too much free time. Dad was worried so much about the bills and us eating that he didn’t have the time, or really the capacity, to help us develop emotionally the way we should have. I recognize that he did the best he could, under the circumstances. Now I see that, but not as a kid. So, then I grew up, I had issues stemming from my childhood. My biggest issue was trusting a woman with my heart. Look, until you become a teen and hang out with your friends all the time, you're Mom and Sisters ARE the women in your life. Every woman that I ever loved, left ME. . . . . so I wasn't about to love another one so she could crush me too. If I was perfect, everything a woman ever wanted and she couldn't/wouldn't wait for me or if she wasn't damn near perfect too, then she wasn't good enough for me and I didn't want her.

To look back at who I was up until I decided to change is in order (helps to understand the changes necessary). Ironically, since I made such an effort to be "perfect", it made me more desirable to women. I'm polite, in good shape, I can dance, I listen well, I've worked really hard at learning a woman’s body so she always has great sex with me, I'm smart and helpful, I can do almost anything you need done. . . . I’ll say it. If I was a woman, I'd date me. Sad thing was, I was missing the most important part for a relationship, the ability to commit myself to a woman. I was great, if you wanted a good time with no strings. If you wanted the perfect date for any occasion. Meet the parents? Sure, they’ll love me. I can be whatever you need, just don’t expect me to stick it out for the long haul. Crazy thing, I actually was all those things. It wasn’t an act (remember, I had to be perfect – by my own standards).

I was so sure of my greatness (and believe me, the reaction I got from women more than reinforced it), that I was determined to never settle for someone unless they met all of my requirements. That is for another post, but let me just say I was being a little selective. Not just in looks, but in everything else too. My selection pool was severely limited. To a potential mate that is. You want a date and some fun? A lot of good sex? Someone to show off and adore you? Call me up baby, I’m your man. . . . as long as you meet my minimum standards of looks and personality that is. Another thing, there were far more that DIDN”T meet the criteria than did. No easy come desperate chicks for me. I made an art out of seduction, out of making her want me, of getting her to pursue me. Then I’d let myself get “caught”, but I’d never let myself fall. . . . in love that is.

See, every woman believes that she will be the one to turn his head around and make him want to be exclusive. Make him fall in love and propose and promise to be faithful. In reality, the guy decides when he is ready to be married (mostly independent of any thought about who he is dating, if anyone - hard to believe huh - it's true) and he usually proposes to the current or next girl he dates (95% of the time this is the case). *It does not matter if he loves you or not. I repeat, when a guy decides he is ready for marriage, he almost immediately gets engaged. . . . regardless of who he is dating.* As a lifelong friend of mine once said, “You get tired of chasing all those chicken headed ho’s”. . . . . one of the all time great things spoken and 100% accurate.

There is a large distinction between saying, “I love you” and “I’m in love with you”. . . . until you actually say I’m in love with you. Then they become the same thing. I can say with all honesty that I never said I love you to someone just for sex, or if I didn’t love them. I just wasn’t “in” love with them. Semantics again, but it was just a lame justification I used then. A literal instead of figurative meaning. I knew what she was going to think so I would tell her the 1st time that I loved her but I wasn't in love with her. . . . yet. But every time I'd say it after that I'd leave that part out and she'd think I meant it the other way after a while.

Sorry, I was a jerk. I’m much better now. This concludes the “why I have the right to tell someone how to change” portion of the post. . . . because I did it, mostly, kinda still doing it – but mostly as maintenance and not repair. I’m close to having it all straightened out. At least this issue anyway.

I could continue, but I could go on for days about some of the things I did in my past and why but that is really far too much for this post so I will try and summarize. If you want to hear the sordid details of my past or understand the mindset and self-delusions that go into the justification process of a womanizer, then let me know. I’ll do a follow-up post to enlighten you on the twisted mind of a “Player” and why what he does works on you. Don’t hate the Playa baby, he’s got serious issues!

In Summary:
It can be done, the childhood overcome, the womanizing too. If he’s ready, if he sees that he is broken inside and it affects him in every part of his life. If he wants to be better, then with honest thought, reflection and a genuine attempt to modify his own behavior it can be done. Most people get to the “who can I blame” part and realize that taking ownership of their problems means work and they settle for blaming others. Most people never try and change, a lot give up because it’s too hard, some actually get to where they have dealt with all their baggage and have overcome it. Well, that’s the theory anyway. If I ever get there then I’ll let you know if there are others. I now have to go and hug my wife for loving me in spite of my past. Don’t be too harsh in the comments, I have changed.


Basically, as I see it you have 3 possibilities.**

1: He realizes he has issues, wants to change and makes a legitimate effort to overcome his behavior patterns and, after a couple of years, reaches a point where it is no longer controlling him. It still influences him, but it doesn't own him. A couple years later he is a new man and all is well. There will be an occasional reversion to old self for very short periods of time, a few days here and there.

2: He says he has issues and gives lip service to changing, but he is not ready/willing to put in the effort to fix it. He will basically spread a new coat of paint over himself to make it look like it is all better but will almost immediately revert back and act like nothing ever happened. If you stick around, he may eventually decide to actually change but you will probably be so full of resentment that you kill him in his sleep or he will marry the girlfriend after you and make you feel like shit "because you dated him for 3 years and that bitch was engaged to him after 2 months"

3:He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. In his mind, he is more manly if he sleeps around a lot. All the women want him, hell they may even fight over him (personal experience – a few times). Why the hell would he change? Just because he’s got a different hot chick every few months, does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and gets a little side action every now and again, all of his buddies think he’s the “MAN”. Shoot, he’s the man they all aspire to be. And a MAN doesn’t let anyone tell him what to do, so he puts off and stalls until you finally get frustrated enough to dump him. He moves on, that way he can be the dumpee. He’s not the bad guy. You were the crazy bitch who “kept pressuring him for marriage and all he was asking for was a little more time. He was committed to you, but he just had a few issues/job commitments/crazy family stuff to work through before getting married, but YOU couldn’t wait.” You’re a bitch and he’s a Prince to the next girl, who already sees him as “almost ready to marry”, so maybe she’ll be the one to tip the scales. . . . . that much easier of a conquest. . . . . . .

* This is providing that the guy has the opportunity and providence to date and the necessary social skills to have a woman stick around for a while. Those without these skills may propose to every woman they date. . . . . sometimes on the 1st date.
** Eventually every man moves from 3 to 2 in the course of their life. It might take 25 years or be when they get too old to womanize, but eventually they do. To get to #1 takes personal choice and commitment.