The Truth About Men

The day is not right somehow. I shall dub it "The Day of the Finger"

2008-05-28T10:29:00.003-04:00

I am having a day. I feel off. Not melancholy or sad. Not sick. Just OFF. Don't know why. Don't really know how. I Need something, I just don't know what. Want something, just don't know what.

Today is a day I could quit my job for no apparent reason. Just say "screw it" and walk out. Even though I have a wife and child with another on the way. Even though my wife would have an aneurysm, COBRA insurance would reduce my savings in a matter of weeks, Murphy's law would state that my car would breakdown or a trip to the emergency room would be in order. Even though every rational, clear headed part of me would vehemently oppose such a move. Today, in the right circumstances, I could throw the throttle forward and "damn the torpedoes", as the saying goes. Clearly, it would take a little impetuous, I'm not going to go postal because someone left the coffee pot empty and I have to wait 3 minutes for a cup of java. Really though, I don't think if it came down to it, if I had the choice thrust before me. Take a big ration of crap or walk out and leave the finger high in the air. . . . today would be a day to fly.

I am capable of anything today. I am unpredictable today. . . . I mean really. Something that I would never ever ever in a million years do. . . . . I could do today. I could shave my head and join a biker gang today. Tomorrow, I would be calling and asking for my job back, looking for a hat and trying to set an appointment to get that Hell's Angels Tattoo removed. But today! . ! . ! . I could eat a sandwich. . . . with mayonnaise. (gasp!!!)

You just don't know crazy that would be for me, let's just say that under normal circumstances. You would be more likely to see me riding with the Hell's Angels and shooting at cops than eating mayonnaise. It is more likely that I will have sex with a teenage hooker on national TV, as the half-time show of the Superbowl (Janet's boob in the back ground), on my anniversary with my wife in attendance and on stage (with a weapon that could maim and or kill me in hand). . . . . than to eat mayonnaise. Oh, and my anniversary is 5 months away from the Superbowl. I'm just saying. That is how I feel today.

Ever feel that way? I may need to get away for a few hours and go fishing . . . . that never hurts.

I'll try and post occassionally now. . . . . maybe I just miss blogging. We'll see.

How to start the new year off right. . . . . .

2008-01-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

I thought you guys might get a kick out of this. I have another letter that I have to write to a golf course, I'll get it out when I get it done. I love the customer service department!

To Whom it may concern:

I am very dissatisfied with this whole MP3 downloading thing you have going on over there at Amazon.com. I usually download from i-tunes or one of several other mp3 sites and figured I'd give the amazon mp3's a chance. I was here, it looked to be easy, so why not. I first went through the settings and made sure everything was set up like it was supposed to be - as taken directly from the website's recommendations - which is something I have rarely had to do before (and not with i-tunes) but what the heck, it takes 2 minutes. That was New Year's Eve , mid-day. I then tried to download the CD (again, following the directions from the website). Guess what happened. . . . Nothing, Nada, zilch! "No music for you," shouted the music Nazi as he snatched away the Mp3's.

I apparently downloaded the cd that never was. It shows up on the purchases, but not in my media files, or in my download history, or on my computer - anywhere. I e-mailed a question about this to the help department that same day (Dec 31, 2007 about noon), it has now been 2 full days since I ordered and was charged ($9.99) for a Mp3 album download that I still do not have, nor was I contacted about after my e-mail to the help department. I'm not sure how you can call it "customer service" if you provide no service to the customer. It may seem to you by now that I am a little irritated. That would be a good asessment of my emotional state.

I can not begin to describe to you the frustration this is causing me. I want my money back. I don't even want the download anymore. I'll get it from i-tunes since I have NEVER had any problem with a download from them. . . . ever. . . . with over 500 downloads from i-tunes I have had 0 problems. With 5000 or so Mp3 downloads from other providers, I've had a few problems, but they were fixed that same day or refunded asap - so no harm no foul. With you guys, 1 download = 1 problem that is STILL UNRESOLVED! Do you have a solution that would be good for both of us, I will listen. As it is, I doubt I will be recommending you guys to my friends. And yes, I may seem like a friendless shut-in who rants and raves to "customer service" people to have the semblance of a personal life, but I assure you that I have a lot of friends (real ones - not just ones in my head) and they will all hear of how great my amazon.com Mp3 experience was.

Now it's up to you to determine whether that last comment was sarcastic or not. . . . . not now though. Now it is sarcastic because my experience has been similar to the plucking of nose hairs 5 at a time. . . . try it, you'll understand. You could make that comment not sarcastic though. The ball is in your court, simply FIX THE FREAKIN PROBLEM! and you no longer sit at #2 on my most hated list. Let's just say #3 is the anti-christ, so that should give you a clue as to how fond of you I am right now. . . . . Not you personally . . . . Customer Service Representative, sir. . . . . uh, Ma'am. . . . . who-ever. You, I would probably like and you would probably like me. I have a likeable personality. Everyone says so. Anyway,

Since I have serious doubts as to wether this will be getting a reply either, I'll probably call "Customer Service" too just to see if that might possibly do some good.

Amazon.com order number: D0X-X446605-XX56XX7 Order Total: $9.99
Digital Order: Dec 31, 2007 Recipient: Spaceman Spiff

Items Ordered: The Road To Escondido [MP3 Download]By: J.J. Cale & Eric Clapton
Price $9.99
Item(s) Subtotal: $9.99
----
Total Before Tax: $9.99
Sales tax: $0.00
----
Total for this Order: $9.99

An Analogy

2007-10-25T12:43:00.000-04:00

Hi there people. . . . and maybe non-people. Is two months too long to go between posts? I was thinking that I needed to get in gear and post about some of the things that have been running through my vast grassland of a mind. The problem is that if the posts get out of my sight, I lose them in the savannah. Oh, there are signs that the are still out there. Living, breathing, growing of their own accord. I just don't know quite how to catch them again.

It's like the nice landscaped zoo that I call a mind has turned into a wildlife park with no interior fences. So, a little baby zebra post comes to life and wanders into the high grass to be lost from sight. I have no idea what happens then. I mean, I've ear tagged the little fella and on a few, I've even put a radio transmitter to be able to locate it again. I'm pretty sure that more than one of them are now far too wild for me to catch, short of a tranquiler dart, and tame to something that could be readable and enjoyable. A few, no doubt, have succumbed to the other wildlife that roams about in my mind. There are lions and tigers and bears (I'll leave the "oh my" to you) and the occassional pack of wolves or hyenas. THere are even some ferrets, stoats, weasels and badgers running around. Really, there are animals in there that would never be together other than in a zoo. Some were extinct thousands of years ago, but they are living in my head. Some never existed anywhere else. . . . . like the crocagater, the hippomapatamasaurus, and the platapus (I'm sure you think we went to the moon too. . . . . pfffft)

It's a wildlife park, not an African Safari park. . . . . some of my animals don't get along (lions and tigers) . . . . or tigers and anything else. Really, it's several ecosystems thrown together to see what is going to be strong enough to survive and flourish. Clearly, not everything I have going on is going to make it. The Rabbit population is highly endangered at this point as is the mink and a few rodent species. I really am worried that some of the animals that I'd like to keep around are going to be reduced to a non-viable species before too long. I know I don't need those particular species to have a bountiful ecosystem. It is a hodgepodge of things right now and really, there are several species that are filling the same role and competing for the same sustaining elements. I guess that is just survival of the species, and the law of the wild and all that, but it is a little frightening.

I mean, as the only resident in my mind - for the most part anyway - I have eliminated or am in the process of eliminating all detrimental human contact so things can flourish as they were intended. But how do I get out of the way and let that hyena (which I dislike and think is ugly and unpredictable) to eat all the defenseless lambs? Realistically, the hyena provides a much needed service. They winnow the herd, they clear up carcasses that could breed disease and decay and there aren't too many of them. Plus, they are pretty easy for me to avoid, so they pose no real danger to me. Sheep on the other hand, don't really do much in the way of good for the environment. Yes, they trim the grass, fertilize and inspire new growth, but a ton of other grazers do that too. Basically, lambs are cute and playful and make me smile, but the hyena takes care of the natural order. Should I interfere with the natural order of things to impose my will, or should I let things be as God intended them? Y'know what I mean?

I think I am at a cross roads. Do I choose the wide path or the narrow way. I know which one I SHOULD choose. I just don't know if I can. . . . completely.

The return of Swamp Guy and Gal

2007-08-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, a long awaited post to, maybe, brighten your weekend.

If you recall, when last we left Swamp Guy and Swamp Gal, they had just decided on a vacation spot. . . . the beach. Well, I could relate to you all the sordid details of their trip and possibly of some of Swamp Guys harrowing escapes from certain doom, but I won't. Suffice it to say, the beach was not as dangerous as Swamp Guy had originally thought. Apparently, this section of the beach was mostly the Old Swamper's section. Not a lot of opportunity for Swamp Guy to ogle, and in turn be maimed by Swamp Gal for said ogling. There was an instance or two that Swamp Guy considered maiming his own eyes to prevent a future occurrence of seeing what no Swamp Man should ever see. . . an aged and wrinkled Grandmother in a String Bikini. . . . .retch - retch - gag -cough. . . . . shudder!

This is a tale from not too long after that event. This was another trip, but one for Swamp Guy alone. Well, alone with half a dozen or so other Swamp Guys. It was not a planned Mammoth hunt (where you need several people) or even one for Rhino (again, safety in numbers as well as lots of spears to kill the beast). No, this was a recreational adventure. A trip to the mountains to track and slay the terrifying beast of the water. . . . the Whitewater.

Well, you might think that you would need lots and lots of people and porters to carry all the myriad supplies someone would need to tame the Whitewater beast, but you really need surprisingly little. See. there is a whole village of guides with everything you need to tame the rapid beast. And yes, that is rapid and not rabid - who ever heard of water having Hydrophobia - that's just plain silly.

Anyway, Swamp Guy went to this village of, let's call them "Guides" from the clan called Adventure Outfitters and was suited up in the appropriate safety equipment for his own adventure. *quick aside* You wouldn't think that there would be much in the way of safety equipment in the first few years that Swamp Guy and Gal had crawled from the primordial ooze, but there was a lot. There was a "vest" that would float and make Swamp Guy buoyant if he fell out of the "Raft" he was to traverse the Whitewater Beast in. There was a surprisingly cheesy and light weight helmet for Swamp Guy to protect his noggin with. I think it was carved from wood. A very lightweight wood. Who knew the primitive were so safety conscious? *end of aside*

Swamp Guy was also given the weapon with which he would tame the wild and deadly Whitewater beast. There were actually 10 beasts in this particular stretch of the wild waters. They ranged in danger from a class 3 to 4 with one or two Class 5's thrown in for the fun of it. Swamp Guy would have to brave and survive all 10 without being maimed or otherwise permanently mangled by the large boulders and sharp rocks that were the Whitewater beast's favorite weapons. That and, as I secretly suspect, the collusion of one or more of the Guides from clan Adventure to slay any impertinent Swamp Guy intent on taming his or her section of the river.

Yes, I said Her. Swamp Guys "guide" was of the Swamp Gal sub-clan and was far and away better looking than any of the Swamp Gals (other than his own) that he saw at the beach. Who would have thunk it. The general consensus is that Beach = scantily clad Swamp Gals and therefore good, Mountains = inbred, toothless, tobacco chewing Swamp Gals who can burp the Star Spangled Banner and therefore bad. *myth buster* Francis Scott Key only wrote down the words to the Star Spangled Banner. It was actually an ancient chant used by the Prehistoric Swamp People to describe their home close to the volcano. He modernized it a little with the rockets and all, but it was still plagiarism.

Anyway, chiseling a photo of Gal Guide out of river stone was not really an option since it would be exceedingly heavy and Swamp Gal would most certainly NOT want to hang it up in the hut, not to mention the time and effort. So, what she looked like was lost to the annuls of time. Lets just say that Guide Gal was 5' 10" of lithely muscled limbs, long flowing locks of near golden with ample (yet proportionate) curves in all the right places and in defiance of gravity, tightly clad in a stretchy and thin fabric of unknown origin that did little to conceal what was actually beneath it. Especially when the water temperature was about 60 degrees. Her flotation vest pushed certain attributes UP into prominence and did not conceal other attributes at all. In hindsight, the vest probably wasn't really needed since she could have floated well enough without it, had she been so inclined.

To make a long story end before it gets any longer. Swamp Guy survived his adventure was able to ogle and then discuss with the other guys in the relative safety of their camp later on. All in all, it was a good trip.

The things you learn on company time. . . .

2007-08-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

Had a web seminar today. Engineers are the most boring people in the world. . . . well, maybe not the MOST, but that meeting was as dry as Hawkeye's Martini's. Anyone who gets that reference is my new blog crush.

Anyway, I thought you'd find this interesting. It is a personality test that is supposed to be useful in determining your strengths and weaknesses in the business community. Kind of a "you are here" so you can look at the model of successful business people and see the areas where you need some work. It was after all the ONLY thing of interest during the training session today other than the free lunch.

as a side note, I took it again after I had done some other stuff. It was basically the same, except I was a Visionary Motivator. - pretty much the same except I am a little more of a people person the 2nd time around.

That's me. It was pretty accurate in the details too, though some of the questions seemed a little opposed. I am sometimes more one way than another as the situation demands, that option was not allowed. Anyway, I'll get a real post out one of these days soon . Here's the breakdown (it's kinda long). Oddly enough, it doesn't show any area where I completely suck. . . . go me!

Your 4 Quadrant Style Guide
Left-Brain Abstract (Analytic): Think in terms of facts, details and ordered information. (secondary - adapt to as the need arises)
Left-Brain Concrete (Conclusive): Think in terms of problems and quick solutions. (secondary characteristic - adapt to as the need arises)
Right-Brain Abstract (Synthetic): Think in terms of large, global concepts and ideas. (primary characteristic - natural response)
Right-Brain Concrete (Interactive): Think in terms of conversation. (primary characteristic - natural response)

Communication Style
A Natural People Person
When you are walking down a corridor or a street, you like to greet or stop to speak to someone. People just love to talk with you about anything. That's because the positive energy that you give off during conversations develops an instant bond with everyone.
You love to interact with people. It doesn't matter how many people there are or at what level you're communicating; you do it effortlessly. Conversation has been extremely natural to you your whole life.

You have a wonderful sense of humor. When people are with you, they smile and laugh a lot. Whether it's telling a joke you heard before or sharing a spontaneous ad lib, you're naturally funny and entertaining. Your humor and ways of communicating are constantly creating situations that relax and motivate other people.
Strategic Creativity

Unless people know you very well, they won't realize that you are quite capable of creating strategic plans, following intellectual pursuits and developing new, abstract theories about how things integrate or function. You're able to look at the whole picture, break them into discrete, unusual parts, and synthesize these into unique wholes or strategic plans. You thoroughly enjoy discovering creative options when thinking through difficult problems and challenging ideas.
Motivating and Leading Others

When it comes to dealing with people and problems, you use a combination of intuitive and rational thoughts very successfully. Your positive, personal and intelligent ways of relating to people make them want to follow you during times of confusion and stress. It's when the situations are dynamic and need optional thinking and/or in-the-moment organization that you're able to step forward, take command and lead others towards successful outcomes. This is when your style of leadership becomes most effective.

Even if you're not knowledgeable about a subject area under discussion, you come across as smooth and intelligent. It doesn't matter to you what conversations others are having or what topics they're discussing, you can join in without missing a beat. That's because you intuitively know how to listen to the underlying messages being delivered and how to successfully respond to people intellectually with just a few facts.

How You Learn
Besides reading and studying, conversations and dialogues provide you with an enjoyable opportunity to learn. It's during this repartee that you're able to ask any type of question: logical, analogical or just odd ones to serve your curiosity. One of the best ways for you to learn and to be motivated is to belong to a study group, particularly one that has members who are focused on the objectives and deadlines. The process of these groups can provide you with the focus and further detail to study and learn effectively.
Speaking in front of Groups

Speeches and presentations to small or large groups come naturally to you. You can either be prepared or wing it when making a speech. The latter, with a few notes jotted on a piece of scrap paper, is your preferred way to present. Also, you'll use theatrical intonations and gestures, personalized comments and anecdotes with humor, integrating them around facts, logic and important points. When you have finished, people leave your presentations feeling that you have presented a solid case, you have touched them personally and you have spoken to each one of them intellectually.

Your Leadership Qualities
As a leader, you're a powerful combination of intellectual insightfulness, future predictions and personal charm. The former allows you to plan and think things through intuitively and logically. The latter allows you to be empathetic and personal in your expression of motivation and planned action. The two of these combined give you the positive power that people trust and follow.

Communication Tips
People who have a predominantly Left-brain Abstractthinking style thrive on careful analysis of all pertinent factors before making any decisions. Their style is naturally systematic and detail-oriented, characterized by the pursuit of logic, predictability and discipline. They may appear distant and aloof at times, as they prefer to listen rather than talk. They tend to stick to the rules and stay within the confines of their orderly world.

When communicating with a Left-brain Abstract person, you are likely to experience the following characteristics:
You might find their passion for logical analysis to be ponderous or overly pedantic at times, but if you keep an open mind, their conclusions could be beneficial to you.
In situations where you must collaborate on a project or a plan, their tendency to stick to the rules can be limiting to your own creative visions. Present your optional ideas as logical alternatives worthy of consideration.
They may appear distant and aloof at times, as they prefer to listen rather than talk. Don't take this personally or assume they're arrogant. Remember that they're absorbing and processing information before they render an opinion.
They can be a valuable source of background or historical information, which you sometimes tend to overlook while you aim for the "big picture." Nevertheless, expect them to provide more details than you might care for.
People who have a predominantly Right-brain Concrete thinking style thrive on interacting with people and being the center of attention. They inspire others with their charm and warm personality. They can read other people very easily and use their intuitive skills to adapt effortlessly to changing situations. They are excellent at exciting and persuading others to follow their suggestions. They often speak without spending too much time thinking about what to say.
When communicating with a Right-brain Concrete person, you are likely to experience the following characteristics:
At times, you might find their ebullient need to be the center of attention to be overpowering or annoying.
Like therapists, they can sometimes encourage you to open up and confide with them about personal problems or concerns you have. You're usually okay with this, as long as they don't pry too deeply or push their solutions too strongly.
As much as you think before you speak, they think by speaking. They are excellent at exciting and persuading others to follow their suggestions.
Even if they don't take logic or factual data into account, they may come up with innovative or imaginative ideas that are worthy of your consideration.
Since you both like to come up with ideas, the verbal interaction can be both personally rewarding and productive. They may not share your visionary creativity, but they often have an intuitive sense of what is most suited for you.
They can sometimes seem manipulative in getting their way. While you might find their personal charm and charisma irresistible, don't allow yourself to be swayed in a direction that you know is not right for you.
People who have a predominantly Left-brain Concrete thinking style are action-oriented and thrive on challenge. As movers of people and organizations, they enforce rules, focus on goals, meet deadlines, and demand immediate action. They typically avoid getting bogged down in details and want to go directly to the bottom line. They prefer short and easy action-items or conclusions. They are decisive people who want to get things done quickly and efficiently.

When communicating with a Left-brain Concrete person, you are likely to experience the following characteristics:
You might find their style at times overbearing or in some cases, even intimidating. As a result, you're likely to interact with them only as much as absolutely necessary.
When it comes to solving problems, they view feelings or abstract concepts as intrusions that prevent them from reaching a firm conclusion. You'd be better off not allowing your feelings to become too much of an issue.
On the other hand, your feelings about certain situations are paramount to your comfort level, so don't be afraid to let them know how important that is to you.
There might be times that you will feel they are pushing too hard to get you to make a final decision. On the other hand, you might be struggling with all the options you're considering and could benefit from their decisive nature.
Don't be offended by their direct talk if it seems abrupt � they are goal-oriented people who know how to get things done.
When communicating with another Left-brain Concrete, you are likely to experience the following characteristics:
Like you, they tend to be visionary thinkers who look at the big picture and try to understand how things relate to each other.
They value creative, inspirational options as much as you do. They can usually provide interesting alternatives that would be worth your while to consider. At times, however, you might become a bit irritated with their tendency to go off on tangents when you're trying to focus on a particular issue of concern.
With the tendency you both have to procrastinate while exploring your options, one of you will need to refocus your energies on making a decision when the need to accomplish something arises.
You are both open-minded and feelings-oriented. Together, you are likely to create a relaxed, low-key atmosphere based on trust and good rapport.
Remember to be patient with their quiet, reflective nature; just like you, they may be thinking of other options that are more suitable for you or for themselves.
Ultimately, you both need to feel comfortable with how your decisions fit into your world.

Stresses
Using the Analyzer style can create stress for you. Yes, you can use it for short periods of time as a learning or production tool. But, the longer you use it, the more stressed you become. Your energy-focus, which accesses this particular process, may be blocked sometimes. It's as if you have a blind spot in this part of your repertoire. You just don't like to have to use it as a primary tool. The following is what may create stress for you if used for more than short time periods:
Constantly asking the question, "Why?" and thoroughly examining the answers
Always being skeptical about your facts, thinking or learning processes before undertaking or doing something
Reaching a conclusion only based on thinking logically
Using only factual assumptions to reach detailed, action-oriented steps
Not expressing your opinions until they demonstrate an impeccable rationale

the missing link has been found. . . . we are it.

2007-08-03T13:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know I said I'd give you the rating system. Actually, over the course of this blog, I have made several promises about later posts that have fallen through for one reason or another. I feel that I need to explain in the effort of full disclosure. I will eventually get around to it. That is a guarantee. You just have to wait for it, even though my reward is not the same. You'll understand what I'm talking about after this post.

Men are simpler forms of life than women. Some might say less evolved, others might say men have reached a higher state of conciousness. Both would be wrong.

Scientifically, we are not as smart as women, if you consider complexity and emotional range as a sign of intelligence as many in the scientific community believe. While men are not inferior in intellectual capacity to women (or vice versa) we are at least less complex, mostly due to societal trends and behavioral boundaries. These things we learn from our fore-fathers and influences.

A little background to help you understand the mindset. Men are problem oriented. We look for the best solution for a given problem and go with it. The first solution is usually the best one. If the end result is the same, it doesn't matter how we get there. We have a need to be right, and need the acknowledgement that we are right. We hate to argue, unless we are right. Then we will argue with a brick wall and are just about as flexible as one on that issue. We live life on our terms, and don't consider that we might be wrong until something falls apart. We are simple creatures.

Basically, Men need three things to be happy (we want others, but these are the NEEDS),

1. regular sex (regular in frequency and in style)
2. regular sex (regular in frequency, not necessarily in style)
3. regular sex (regular in frequency, a combination of regular and irregular in style)

That's it. That is the sum of a man's desires. Everything else we want we can get from our buddies. Guy's want to hang out with other guys 90% of the time. We won't admit it to you, because of want #1, 2 & 3. We really just want to do guy stuff unless we are filling on of those 3 needs. Don't believe me. Ok, here is a scenario for you. Tell me if I'm wrong.

1: We start a project and let it sit half finished for the next 6 months. Then we'll finish it off in two days once we get tired of the complaining and nagging about it that inevitably ensues. Sounds like us, right? Why didn't we finish it in the 1st place?

All because of want #1 and as a reward, we might get #3. I'll explain. You add something to the honey-do list. We get around to actually starting it. You are happy. We get #1. We make good progress. We get #2. We stall out and don't finish it. . . . . We might get #2 again as a bribe. You nag us. We start on it again and get #1 as a reward. We finish it. We get #3 as a reward, possibly twice. If we had just ripped it out and closed the project out in a day or two, we get #1 and maybe #3. That's it, the best we could hope for. If we wait an eternity and then start and drag it out, then we get Two #1's, Two # 2's and at least one #3. (see how our minds work now, no, but your getting closer)

We want to drink, fart and scratch and not have to worry about offending anyone. We love crude jokes, and think of all women as sex objects on some level, no matter how enlightened we are. We are hunters. We pursue, we attain, we celebrate the achievement. We keep score because we want to win. We want to see ourselves as the best, or at least better than the other guys we know. That is why we like sports so much. It's aggressive and masculine. We all want to be masculine. We are (at least in our own minds) the dominant and stronger of the species. We don't have to win if we know we could. So we might lose on purpose, maybe. . . . especially if it is a coed participation event and there is a possibility of our losing making #1 and/or #3 possible. Do we tell you this? No! Why? Because we have our needs and offending you is a sure way of inhibiting our getting them fulfilled.

We want to hang out with the fellas and drink beer, watch the game, come home late and get rewarded with #3 for coming home. Will that ever happen? Not likely. What happens, is that we cut out our friends, sublimate most of our wants and desires to keep you happy and hopefully get rewards for our good behavior. We work, so You'll feel secure and give us #1. We come home, so You'll feel special and give us #2. We buy valentines day junk, you guessed it, so we can get #3.

Ok, I'm not saying that this is right. That we should be insensitive pigs who only think of ourselves, just that we do. Actually, the only difference in an enlightened man and your average Joe. . . . those of us that are enlightened would rather hang out with women most of the time. . . . provided she likes to drink beer and watch sports. Women have better conversation during the commercials. Plus, there is an outside chance that you can get # 1 or #2 during half time and possibly #3 if your team wins. Much better to be with the ladies than a bunch of gassy drunk guys at that point.

See, problem oriented. We come up with an equitable solution and stick with it, even if it isn't the best. Simple creatures.

Today starts a new era. . . . or year. . . . . whatever.

2007-08-01T13:48:00.000-04:00

I officially start the ninth year of my marriage today. I never knew I could be this blessed. If I'd have known just how lucky I was, I'd have bought a lottery ticket the day I met my wife. As it is, I just got the best wife ever, and not the millions of dollars. If given the choice between the two, I'd still take the wife and not the money. Hey, what can I say. Money comes and goes, but Love can last forever.

1 year blogiversary, and a follow up.

2007-07-13T12:36:00.000-04:00

Hello all. Tomorrow is my 1 year blog-iversary as Spaceman Spiff. In honor of that long ago post, I will do absolutely nothing special. I will however give to you an example of the rating system in practice. So, here you go.

Rating System (Con't)

It is very hard to rate someone when they are annonymous. You only have the limited personality that is put out there on the screen to go from. With the 11.25% reduction (or possibly increase) in the other score dependant on half information, then the over-all score may not be accurate. Therefore, if you want your score and want it to be as accurate as possible, e-mail me a photo or two you want me to use to score you with. Personality will be assumed, with adjustments made to the 11.25% with what I do know about you. I would give an accuracy rating of + or - 5%.

Any feature (like your head, legs, etc) left out of the photo will be assumed, based on historical models. For example, most women with large busts have small or relatively flat butts and vice versa so these opposing areas score a little lower. Great bodies, usually do not go with gorgeous faces. All parts can be great, but rarely are several parts exceptional on the same person though a few exceptional parts are not uncommon. Hence the tougher scale, A great butt can bump a 7 up to an 8 but not a 700 up to an 800. You'd still be a 700, you just might get bumped up to a 722 due to the exceptional feature. If you have two, you get jumped up a little more and so on and so forth.

For example. . . . J-Lo, who in my opinion has an exceptional face, smile and everyone knows has an exceptional booty but "average" boobs, at her finest moment - made up to look her best, assuming no penalties and all possible bonus points and with an equal personality score, rates a 88.6. With the expected personality drop, her score is 84.1. Most likely, she has some penalty points as well which would lower her score another couple of points, but her personality could be a little better so it could go up some and maybe she has an exceptional complexion and muscle tone but she has a hairy wart on her back and points go everywhere. Too many unknowns, so we have to make educated guesses from historical evidence.
There is also a 2% range for variance of opinion and personal preference. So her 84.1 score is actualy, an 82.5 - 85.8. If we consider a 5% variance for personality improvement through first hand knowledge (were we to meet and become friends) then her best possible score, if she gets all the bonus points, no penalties and her personality is not reduced, but actually is better than her physical appearance) is 90.6, maybe a 91.8 if she sings softley to me in Spanish while giving me a hot oil massage (without using her hands), naked, on a private beach in Barbados while I drink a cocktail. Otherwise, she doesn't even hit a 9. So how does that stand up to your own rating system?

By the way, J-lo isn't in my top 10 famous people either. She does have an exceptional booty and average boobs though. So for this purpose, she is a good example.

Because I am a geek, and I had a lot of time on my hands.

2007-07-10T16:23:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. I promised I would give the 1000 point rating system that I developed and used to rate women. This is not some overblown 10 point rating scale but a seriously thought out and revised creation from my brain. To make it easier for the laymen, I usually scaled it down by a factor of 10 to make it a 100 point scale. So a 876 pointer is an 87.6 (no rounding) while the traditional 10 point system would give an 8 or a 9 (depending on the rounding typically used by most people). Clearly, that leaves far to much wiggle room and room for debate on who is the most attractive. If 10 people are all 9's, who's hottest? Personality is usually the deciding factor, so looks alone aren't enough. See, that's why you need a more accurate scale.

Before I get into it though, it must be taken into consideration that I had a lot of free time on my hands that was not exactly free to do with as I chose. No, I was not in prison, though it felt that way some of the time. I was in the military - on a submarine - bored beyond belief, so I did some research amongst the 140 some odd guys on the boat and used that information and my own geek-ness to develop a theorem and subsequent equasion. So, on to the scale. . . . .

L*Tn + P/Tn = 1000
where : Tn = (30 - (n-1))/36 and T0=1 and n is a function of time that counts in years (1,2,3, . . . . . to forever)

Basically, it considers the physical and personality traits that guys use to determine how attractive a woman is and assigns her an initial point value for looks and personality. These two values have an initial maximum point value that adds up to 1000. Looks = 600 points (maximum) and Personality = 400 points (maximum). After the initial scoring, the two point values vary with time. Just so you won't have to do the math, I will explain.

After the 1st year, the points for looks and personality are scaled by the time factor to be equal percentages of the over-all point total. For example, a person is rated to be a 526 pointer physically and a 350 pointer personality wise. This gives an initial score of 876 (87.6). . . . an 8 or 9 traditionally. Clearly, this is someone you would date. Since most people don't change all that much, in actuality, the initial point value only varies slightly over time. The time variable, among other things, explains the 7-year-itch phenomenon and why a guy can date someone he would never consider marrying (but not for long). I have another equation that covers the first year from week to week that I won't bore you with it here.

I'll give you the breakdown of the point values for individual characteristics and such next time. Now I will field questions. . . . . . .

4th of July - Independance Day (not from alien invasion)

2007-07-03T17:30:00.000-04:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Where we, here in the States, celebrate the ousting of the English from the colonies they sacrificed so much to obtain. I can't feel bad for them though, and really, they have to be glad as well. Since we bailed them out of WWI and WWII that is. Without the U.S. the world would be a much less free place. Of course, it's not just roses and freedom that we've contributed. We also invented the car, the lightbulb, fast food and the flush toilet to name a few.

Of course, we have had our fair share of stinkers put out into the world. Off the top of my head, Disco, fast food (it all depends on how you look at it), and Paris Hilton. . . . . (again, depends on how your looking). Over-all though, I'd say that we have done more good than bad, so here's to the good old U. S. of A. She still looks pretty good for a 231 year old. May she have many happy returns and long years of life. God Bless America!

Guess what I done went and did. . . .

2007-06-29T15:14:00.000-04:00

I bought it. I am now the proud owner of a Motorcycle. I may not get anymore birthday or Christmas presents for a while, but I think this is a good enough present to fill the bill for making it past the 7 year itch, huh. This is my official 8th Anniversary present a month early, minus the leather saddle bags and 1/3 size windshield. Plus, mine has the optional chrome package, so it has a little more bling to it. Wish me luck and pray that I don't die on it. (not worried about it - Me and God are tight, but I don't necessarily want to go and see him any time soon -got a daughter to raise and all). Have a good weekend peoples.

Ever have one of those choices that could kill you in the long run?

2007-06-27T12:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, have you ever had the opportunity to do something that you've wanted to for a long time but circumstances have changed just enough to where you kinda have second thoughts? I'll explain.

I have ridden motorcycles for most of my life. It all started in my childhood on dirtbikes. After a few years of riding the trails and climbing hills, I graduated to dual surface riding. That's both off road and on road riding for the laymen. After several years I shifted to just street bikes, with the occasional borrowing of a dirtbike to go out and jump stuff and play like a dare-devil like I did when I didn't have a car. Basically, I have owned several bikes of differing makes and models and surface applications. I love to ride. I feel safe and confident on a bike and I don't take crazy chances or try stuff I am not absolutely sure I can do. I am a safe driver. I do not worry about wrecking.

For one reason and another, it has been several years since I have owned my own bike. I have still ridden occasionally on borrowed bikes for the random weekend cruise/afternoon getaway. It has essentially been slowly killing me not to be able to ride as often as I want, but I didn't want some piece of crap to ride/wasn't able to put down the dough to get what I wanted.

Well, now I have the opportunity to purchase a bike of my very own again. Like ,Now, within a matter of days. IT is not the bike of my dreams, but it is a really nice bike and I could be well satisfied with it for at least a few years. Here it is. . . . . a slightly used Suzuki Intruder 800. . . .

While I could afford it, I choose not to go into serious debt for the bike that I ultimately want due to certain fiscally sound reasons and plans for the near future. Here it is. . . . a Harley Davidson 1200 Custom. . . . . approximate increase in finacial output of $9000 including accessories not shown.

This brings up two very unique questions.

Do I wait possibly as much as 3 years to get the bike I ultimately want or go ahead and get one that will do for the next 4 - 5 years (delaying my eventual ownership of what I want for as much as 2 or 3 years). I am leaning towards the bird in the hand train of thought.
Now that I have a daughter, do I chicken out and become a girl and not ride everyday for fear of getting killed by some moron who doesn't see me and therefore runs me over/pulls out in front of me? Statistics are not really good for motorcycle accident survival/escape from serious injury. Of course, the data is a little skewed because of the influx of inexperienced riders over the last several years. Ultimately, I'm not really too worried about it, like I said before, I'm a safe driver and very aware of my surroundings. Defensive driving saves lives! Again, leaning towards getting it because I am a man and men are supposed to be manly and not worry warts. That's why we have wives. . . . . to do the worrying. My delimna is, do I choose MY satisfaction over the added worry that I put my wife through because I am on a bike for 80 miles a day, in traffic where I average seeing 1 or two wrecks/accidents a day (mostly fender benders - though on a bike, a fender bender usually results in at least a couple of broken bones, sprains, traction, and the like and 4-6 weeks of medical leave). Would that make me a bad husband and father?

So basically, there is a pretty even chance that I will soon be the owner of a slightly used motorcycle that may eventually be the death of me. I'd like your thoughts please.

the best laid plans. . . . .

2007-06-12T12:22:00.000-04:00

Well, as you know I posted about my new and improved schedule last time and promised to tell you all about the beach this time. Since I am failing miserably at keeping my schedule, I will at least tell you about the beach. Really failing miserably. I've actually kept it twice, been close twice and really missed it the rest of the time. Anyway,

The beach was really great. There were not many perve opportunities (Hi Chicky) since it was not a public beach and apparently we were in old-ville. Lots of mid 50's and older crowd with the grandchildren or parents with elementary age kids. Of course, what do I really expect from staying in an RV park. The weekend brought in a few people to casually appreciate, but only a few. It didn't really matter since 90% of my time was devoted to playing with my daughter.

I was buried in the sand twice, climbed on inumerable times, had handfuls of wet sand rubbed on me (kinda like a really aggressive exfoliation) and thrown everywhere. Built some sand castles and watched her treat them like Godzilla treats Tokyo (hilarious to watch). Played in knee deep water stooped over to hold her hand until I thought I would never be able to straighten up (two nights ago, I finally became fully upright again - I was going to say I became fully erect again, but I figured there were too many dirty minds out there already and with the subject matter being what it is, it just seemed creapy and gave me a the heebie-jeebies).

Momentary aside, Heebie-Jeebies is a great word/phrase. Everyone knows what they are, and completely understands the feeling. It is a top 20 word. What is in your top 20 words?

Ok, so the daughter and beach. She's almost 2 now, and is more than I can handle sometimes. I don't think we are ready for her yet. . . . by we, I mean the world. She is not two but she loves to jump off the side of the pool into the water and as soon as I scoop her out of the water she points to the edge of the pool and starts to choke out "agin Da-dee, agin, agin". She uses one hand to push the water streaming down her face out of the way and the other to point. She charges into the waves on the beach and gets rolled in the sand and dunked, salt water in her eyes and ears and pouring out of her mouth as she stands up giggling and says, "chase da waves, Da-dee. Chase em". She wants to ride the "motee-sikee" (not just sit on it now, but actually ride it), jump off the couch, climb onto the table and dance (this one worries me a little - but possible career choices are not a big concern right now - at least I hope not) and knows more words than I do. I am so in trouble. . . . . .

Now if I could just get on schedule, then the world would be right.

A day in the life. . . .

2007-05-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm back. I'll tell you all about the beach and new job in the next post, but I figured I'd better let you know I was alive or you'd all start to grieve for me.

My new job and all is great. I look forward to going to work now. . . . well, actually I still don't look forward to it, I just don't hate going with the passion of a thousand suns. (that has a teeny bopper movie reference if you are adventurous enough to find it). Since there are a lot of changes going on and I have decided to undertake an exercise program to return to my fighting weight (after looking at the beach pictures I realized that I have become a Fat Bastard from sitting on my butt all day - another movie reference for you) I have had to revamp my daily schedule. Anyway, here is my new daily schedule.

4:30 am (ish) - Wake up and stagger out of bed.

4:40 am - Hop on the elliptical trainer, run or lift weights. (the goal is to drop 20 pounds of blubber or replace it with muscles) I used to be 150# now I'm closer to 170#. . . . not good.

5:30 am - hop in the shower and wash off the stink.

5:45 am - eat some healthy cereal or other breakfast food and get dressed.

6:00 am - leave for work.

7:00 am - arrive at work and commence wow-ing people with my awesome engineering skills.

11:30 (ish) am - take lunch of healthy leftovers and blog/play on the computer or go out for a healthy lunch.

12:30 (ish) pm - Get back to work and being productive in the company's eyes.

4:00 pm - Either leave work or call the wife and tell her I'll be at work a little longer (not more than 30 minutes. . . . . I don't do over-time)

5:00 pm - (or possibly 5:30 depending on work and/or traffic) Arrive home from work and hang out with the family while supper is being prepared. I may or may not prepare supper, depending on how wild my daughter is that day. I may eat a supper lovingly prepared by my wife (if my daughter has been reasonable calm), or bring some tasty supper home from a local restaraunt. Either way, family time until 7:oo.

7:00 pm - Prepare my daughter's bath and give her a bath. This is also about 1/2 play time for her and an opportunity for me to be silly with bubbles and the shower sprayer.

7:30 pm - Dry and dress my daughter and get her ready for the Mommy to take over at 8:00 pm.

8:00 pm - Go dry the bathroom from the water splashed everywhere.

8:30 pm - Give good night kisses to my daughter and watch my wife wisk her off to bed. Then I go and feed our animals and possibly take out the garbage if it needs to be emptied.

9:00 pm - hang out with the wife and veg out on the couch.

9:30 pm - get ready for bed.

10:00 pm - go to bed

11:00 pm - go to sleep. (what may or may not happen between the hours of 10 and 11 is none of your business, though I can say that sometimes sleep happens at 10 and not 11).

So there it is. I am in bed by 10:00 pm. This is a flexible schedule, though the 10:00 bedtime is pretty fixed. I am officially an old person.

Multimedia message

2007-05-19T23:46:00.001-04:00

day 6 1/2 of 7. Well, it's the last night at the beach and i am both sad & happy. Sad, for the obvious reason of leaving this beautiful, peaceful & relaxing place. Happy, because i have reached the limit of my ability to handle another day with my in-laws. It was a wonderful trip, and i am glad we came. I am ready to go home. I miss you guys.

Multimedia message

2007-05-18T00:54:00.001-04:00

Day 4 1/2. Only 2 1/2 more days of bliss before rejoining the real world. The water was like glass today. Still a little cool, but great. I have sunburned feet, but it's not bad. A little uncomfortable. I always get a burn somewhere. I'll put on some 5o spf and be ok. The rest of the tan is shaping up nicely though.

Multimedia message

2007-05-16T00:31:00.001-04:00

Day 2 of 7. So here it is, the 2nd full day of my week long trip to the beach & this is what i have been doing. Sitting on my butt watching the waves! Of course, that has been sprinkled heavily with chasing a toddler around. It's still better than a day at work. You may now resume your jealousy over my awesome excursion. Peace out g.

Multimedia message

2007-05-14T00:54:00.001-04:00

Well, after a flat tire, staying up all night (i mean all night) & a 5 hour drive, we have arrived at the beach. After getthng a bite to eat & settling in we had just enough time to catch the sunset. It is ok to be jealous ;-). Tomorrow, lounging in the sun & corona! Actually that is on the agenda until next weekend. Enjoy the sunset.

quick pre-vacation post to tide you over until I mobile-post

2007-05-10T14:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm going to the beach in 3 days. So, I will probably not have time to post before leaving. I'll probably be too busy with the gathering together, the packing, the pre-departure cleaning, the loose end wrap ups and making sure the animals will be properly cared for in our absence. I really see the next few days being too busy to do more than stop in for a comment or two or a quick visit to your place and leave a comment. Oh, and since my last day at work is Friday, I have some wrap up stuff there that will keep me occupied too. Anyway, here is an amusing (I hope) little ditty to keep you from going into the DT's

Swamp Guy and Gal Go on Vacation

When we last left our hero and heroin, they had recently narrowly escaped from the jaws of a ginormous croco-gator and established the first Gender-specific Roles. We pick them up after several weeks and lots of new behavior patterns have been established. Also, other swamp guys and gals have crawled from the primordial ooze to add another dynamic to the relationship. . . . . the other sex!

Well, Swamp Guy just finished off the grass hut, brought back a magacerous and buffalo carcass, laid up a stock of firewood and cleared a sufficient space around said hut to allow for a bit of safety from marauding saber-tooths and dingos. Swamp Gal has organized the hut, gathered a sufficient store of food to last a little while and dried the meat and hides for long term storage. Since they seem to have a little free time on their hands, they decide to take a break from the everyday drudgery of surviving and go have some pressure free fun. After Swamp Guy sees the potential outfits Swamp Gal has set out for the two destinations in mind, the bikini not only looks lighter to carry, but better on Swamp Gal than the heavy winter parka, so the Beach it is!!!

With the trip to the beach in store, Swamp Guy doesn't realize it yet, but he is walking into a dangerous situation. Since waterfront property is at a premium, and a perfect ambush site by the affore mentioned Saber-tooths and Dingos, not to mention Croco-gators, it is easy to see how Swamp Guy could overlook the potential danger inherent in a trip to the beach.

This danger does not lie in the possibility of being killed and eaten by a less intellectual killer like a lion, but from the more complex specimen of homo-swampilous (that's be Swamp Gal if you were confused by the Latin). Ultimately, death is not a likely outcome from a lingering gaze or even an open mouthed stare. The real danger lies in Swamp Guy falling victim to one of the classic blunders. The first of which is to never get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less known is this, Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line". . . . and slightly less known than that is, "never get caught looking at another Swamp Gal when your very own Swamp Gal is right there for the viewing pleasure".

Seeing other Swamp Gals in leather bikinis (cloth hasn't been invented yet, so all bikinis are of leather. Fur bikinis quickly went out of fashion after Swamp Guys and Gals got a whiff of a wet wolf hide bikini. . . . whew. Not good!) may just be the undoing of all of Swamp Guys comfort. Anyway, with surviving an attack from a four legged or scaly predator takes the forefront, the novelty of another bikini clad Swamp Gal may be overlooked and result in more than a crick in the neck.

See, since Swamp Guy usually sees Swamp Gal in different stages of dress and un-dress, some of the novelty of seeing her (just the visual appeal of her) has settled into a comfort zone. Not that she is less attractive, or that she is boring, but that something new might just catch his eye for a minute. You'd think (much like Swamp Guy does) that a momentary distraction probably wouldn't be too dangerous since the beach is pretty open territory and potential ambush cover is scarce. You both would be mistaken. Since swamp Guy and Gal are both fairly new at this whole couples thing, Swamp Gal can get a tad bit jealous of other Gals. Swamp Guy, as you would expect, is clueless. Some things haven't changed that much since they crawled from the ooze apparently. So, what Swamp Guy learns is a need for some way of hiding what he is looking at from Swamp Gal.

And THAT is why sunglasses were invented.

Multimedia message

2007-05-04T09:16:00.001-04:00

So, You all know about the new job and all, but did you know that I was going to the beach the week after next week. Since I won't have accrued any vacation time for a while, I want to take a break while I have the chance. That means, for a week, I will be completely out of pocket. . . . . not entirely though. I have the handy dandy camera phone. Provided I have a signal (I've been to this particular beach a few times and always have had it before) I will be able to mobile blog you a post or two to make you all jealous of my beachy attitude.

This is just a test of that mobile blog. If the picture comes through, it's my daughter sitting on her Cousins motorcycle. She HAS to sit on one every time we stop by to visit and insists on wearing the helmet (safety first is my girl). She then holds the handle bars and shouts "Motee - Sikee. . . . booodun booodun. . . . . I ride Motee Sikee!" and then she starts to bounce on it like it was a horse bouncing her around. Cute as all the world.

The bikes are parked in the "shop" which is also known as a dilapidated, yet gigantic shed where the men folk go to get out of the women folks' way, burp, fart, smoke, drink lots of beer and occassionally repair some mechanical device; so that explains the tools and tool boxes and the old geezer in the background with the beer. Here's a motorcycle joke for you.

"What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Vacuum Cleaner. . . . . . .

the location of the dirtbag."

Negotiations continue. . . . or maybe Goodtimes. . . . no, the title is "took a whole lot of trying, just to get up that hill"

2007-04-25T14:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I went and done it now. I threw down the gauntlet and dared them to pick it up. Some of you might be thinking I am refering to the semi recent rash of mean commenters that I had stopped by to visit, but I'm not. I'll give you the back story,

You may or may not have known, but I have not been too happy with my job lately. Pay, stability, management, hassle. . . . all very shakey and annoying for several months now. I could deal, but information came to light that put me on the job hunt. Basically, the company I work for is being bought by another company. No problem. Our senior management decided they wanted to start thier own company and moved 3 blocks away. . . . . I can see my old boss's window from my window. . . . . it just seems weird. Again, not so much a problem, or at least it doesn't have to be. Anyway, that leaves us Jr management positions in a prime spot to step up to Sr management. Right on! shorten that curve a little, I can handle it.

The thing is, the engineer with the most seniority couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on it's heel (give it a second. . . . see what I mean). I would be next in line and a department head, but he'd be the head engineer. I wouldn't even have to answer to him. I'd rarely even have to consult with him. . . . but he would be responsible for client development and setting the production schedule. This is where the boat runs aground and starts to sink.

His level of dedication and attention to detail are somewhat short of mine. He also believes that rank has more priviledges than responibilities. I believe that the best leader does whatever needed to serve his clients and employees to promote a good environment and encourage production. He thinks telling someone to stick around for a few extra hours a night this week or stay til 10 pm is fine, but he's in at 9:30 and gone by 5.. He thinks if he goes and plays golf on Friday and misses his deadline, it's ok to turn it in late (apparently, the client won't care) or maybe the project gnomes will come in and do everything for him (little known fact - project gnomes are also known as jr engineers). Needless to say, this causes me to twitch and contemplate disembowelling him with a rusty piece of barbed wire. . . . . Maybe not that harsh, but there have been close moments.

Anyway, so I have been on the job hunt. I found a sweet position with another firm and we have been haggling over the offer package. Some benefits are a little better, some not as good, money about the same considering travel time and other intangibles. Really it would be making a lateral move monetarily and a small step back in opportunity, but a good jump forward in sanity. So, they made an initial offer. I told them they were below what I made now and I couldn't take a step back. They made an ammended offer that just barely eeks out an increase on the surface. With all the associated 401k vesting, insurance premiums, drive time, hours, fixed benefits, current situation, etc etc considered, it was really an even draw. So, I made a counter proposal. I made it a little step up in each consideration except for the fixed benefits, which I offset somewhere else. Basically, I made it a reasonable deal for them and a slight step up for me. Really the bargain is now about equal when you consider worth to compensation. . . . I know how much money I made the company last year, and their overhead costs. I know how much I am, in turn, worth.

Since I am not ready to start my own business and take over the world, I am waiting to see if they accept my counter proposal to their 2nd offer. I believe they will. There is the gauntlet thrown.

If they do, it will probably mean a loss of some of my blog time because I will actually have work to do. . . . yes, I read the paragraph up there too. I am being hypocritical to an extent. My work still gets done on time. My deadlines still get met (usually ahead of schedule). I put in my 40 hours, but put out 50 of production. So if my 40 turned into 34 of actual work recently, and my production is only down to 44. . . . I'm still a freakin bargain, so ptttttttb!

Bridge over troubled waters. . . . or some other Simon and Garfunkle song

2007-04-17T13:44:00.000-04:00

I would like to urge all women to listen very closely. First, a few questions that you may or may not have ever asked yourself, but should.

When you think of a sexual partner, what is the most important single characteristic? (a physical trait, knowledge of a particular 'move' or over-all performance level)
Would you rather have a single really really big mind-blowing 'one', or several smaller but good 'ones' which may or may not culminate in a better than the first time 'one'? (you know what "one" I'm talking about)
When going to the place you like the best, do you prefer to pick the route and drive, be driven on a route of someone Else's choosing, or back seat drive? (I'm not talking about a car here)

Now, thinking about your answers. Does this apply every single time or is it ever changing as the frequency or infrequency of trips to the land of curly toes fluctuates. Exactly! So, as a public service announcement to all the ladies out there, I have a solution to all your problems. Well, maybe not ALL problems, but definitely an improvement in this particular area. So, to catch any lagers up to speed.

Women have a fundamental problem when it comes to the sexual partner. Women, as a rule, are stuck with unsatisfying sexual partners in the early stages of relationships and have to wait for the man to learn how to do the things she needs done to achieve optimal physical satisfaction. Note, I said physical. Emotional satisfaction has nothing to do with this solution and is a problem in and of itself. I might address it at a later date. Anyway, I acknowledge there are exceptions. Sometimes, the first time together is so awesome that toe cramps may even make you shed a tear of joy. OK, now how is it the 10th time? Still tears of joy. I didn't think so.

Well, I have a solution to this problem that is so simple it will have you slapping your forehead. . . . or at least the top of his head. Yes and no, you have and have not guessed it. I am talking about how "Ms. Robinson" can fix all of your troubles, or at least build a bridge to get you over the rough spots. And I'm not talking about a little lesbian love either. You might ask, "Huh? Well then how does Ms. Robinson come into the game?" Well, I'll tell you.

Every woman should BE Ms. Robinson for some young guy. Think of the long term effects. OK, some 18 or 19 year old doofus with the libido of a rabbit meets a woman reaching the age of her peak sexual desires (approaching 30 as the rule goes). Now, this seems like a match made in heaven. A guy who is ready at the crook of a finger and who can 'rinse and repeat' faster than you can shampoo your hair. This might be a good thing, since his typical time in the saddle is somewhat lacking. Eventually, he will get to you there, even if he gets there 3 times as often as you do. Conversely, look at the same woman with an equal or older man who learned the conventional "same age" way. It's a straight drive there, with no unscheduled stops. Instead of getting there in 3 short trips of 20 minutes, you drive straight through for 40 minutes. You get there, but it is less about the trip than the destination. Now, consider a 30 ish man and 30 ish woman, but where the man was once the private boy toy of a previous 30 ish woman. That man will make it one trip still, but he takes so many little back roads and scenic tours that the no stopping policy takes a good hour and is more about the trip than the destination.

Now, in all three cases, the destination is reached. You get to O-town. He gets to O-town. You both are happy. The difference is that the Boy fumbles his way there. The first man just goes until you get there and then quits, and the 2nd man cares about where you are going and wants you to see all the sights along the way. Don't get me wrong, there are occasions when the straight through approach is what you both want, and sometimes the bumbler might strike gold, but for consistency and a level of production that is unmatched you need the properly trained man. This would be where Ms. Robinson comes in.

Ms. Robinson is just what the Graduate suggested. She is an older woman who seduces and teaches a younger man. Think of that younger man's next girlfriend of roughly his own age. She is going to get a man trained to listen for clues (sounds, movements, directions), someone who has been taught to do it right (angle, force, position) and taught to make it last until you get there (changing position, location, taking a break for a southerly trip now and again, etc). The normal untrained boy or self taught man is no comparison to a well schooled graduate of the Ms. Robinson Driving Academy any age. Women know what they like, older women are more vocal about expressing it, younger men are more eager to please and take this kind of direction to heart. They apply what they learned in the future. So, who do you want. Ms. Robinson's apprenticed student or some kid who has the where and how but not the know how. Duh. Easy answer Sherlock. So, this leads us to the call to arms.

If you want a man who knows what he is doing, teach one. You know that saying about giving a hungry man a fish and you feed him for a day, but if you teach him to fish you will feed him for a lifetime? Well, this is the same thing. If you teach him, maybe you won't get to eat of his catch forever, but someone will. They will thank you too. Someone else may have taught your next catch, and won't you be thankful they did. The requirements to be Ms Robinson are simple. You must be at least 5 years older, willing to teach and want to have sex. Simple and easy requirements. Remember, you are the older woman, he will have an innate sense and desire to please, just tell him how.

As a former student and Graduate of the Ms. Robinson driving academy, I can attest to the proficiency of the professors, the dedication to making sure each student gets the best education, and the willingness to work outside of class and even refer you to independent tutors on occassion. As best as I can remember those years and professors, as a 14 year old student to 16, 17 and 19 year old professors (due to the early enrollment of the student, the age difference minimum was waived), 15-17 to 24, 26, and 32, 18 to 24, 27, 34 and 35, 19 to 27, 29, 31, 37 and 39 year old professors, I can say that my "out of class" study was much improved. I feel confident in saying that my same age group "study" partners would attest to that if they could speak past the clenching of their teeth and curling of their toes. I continued on for an advanced degree into my early 20's and am now a full fledged Doctor of Drive-olgy. My doctoral dissertation was on the proper "understanding of the southern byways and their mostly Oral traditions". I have a plaque and diploma and everything, though my wife doesn't let me display it in the living room anymore.

So, go out and get your very own boy toy to shape and mold him into the next Don Juan. Your best friends daughter might thank you for it one day.

I'm back people. . . . if anyone cares now.

2007-04-03T16:50:00.000-04:00

Well, I have successfully defended the Space of Spiffy from the trolls. They have left for good now. . . . I think. So I will resume regular posting now. I will go back in and clean everything up and make it look pretty again. Or at least make it look as good as it was. I have some repairs to do now, as trolls usually leave a mess behind.

In this case, some of the previous comments were deleted, by me, to protect the innocent from troll attack. But now it is all safe for comments again. My next post will be about the duty of all single women over the age of 24 to seek out a younger man and teach him. Teach him what you ask. Well, that's what the post is for silly.

See you soon.

the real Spaceman Spiff

3 billy goats gruff.

2007-03-05T13:15:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there were three Billy Goats called Gruff. In the winter they lived in a barn in the valley. When spring came they longed to travel up to the mountains to eat the lush sweet grass. On their way to the mountains the three Billy Goats Gruff had to cross a rushing river. But there was only one bridge across it, made of wooden planks. And underneath the bridge there lived a terrible, ugly,smelly, one-eyed troll. Nobody was allowed to cross the bridge without the troll's permission and nobody ever got permission. He always ate them up.

The smallest Billy Goat Gruff was first to reach the bridge. Trippity-trop, trippity-trop went his little hooves as he trotted over the wooden planks. Ting-tang, ting-tang went the little bell round his neck. " Who's that trotting over my bridge ? " Growled the troll from under the bridge. "Billy Goat Gruff," squeaked the smallest goat in his little voice. "I'm only going up to the mountain to eat the sweet spring grass." "Oh no, you're not!" said the troll. "I'm going to eat you for breakfast!" " Oh no, please Mr. Troll, " pleaded the goat. " I'm only the smallest Billy Goat Gruff. I'm much too tiny for you to eat, and I wouldn't taste very good. Why don't you wait for my brother, the second Billy Goat Gruff ? He's much bigger than me and would be much more tasty. " The troll did not want to waste his time on a little goat if there was a bigger and better one to eat. "All right, you can cross my bridge," he grunted. "Go and get fatter on the mountain and I'll eat you on your way back!" So the smallest Billy Goat Gruff skipped across to the other side.

The troll did not have to wait long for the second Billy Goat Gruff. Clip-clop, clip-clop went his hooves as he clattered over the wooden planks. Ding-dong, ding-dong went the bell around his neck. "Who's that clattering across my bridge?" screamed the troll, suddenly appearing from under the planks. " Billy Goat Gruff, " said the second goat in his middle-sized voice. "I'm going up to the mountain to eat the lovely spring grass." "Oh no you're not!" said the troll. "I'm going to eat you for breakfast." " Oh, no, please, " said the second goat. " I may be bigger than the first Billy Goat Gruff, but I'm much smaller than my brother, the third Billy Goat Gruff. Why don't you wait for him? He would be much more of a meal than me. " The troll was getting very hungry, but he did not want to waste his appetite on a middle-sized goat if there was an even bigger one to come. " All right, you can cross my bridge," he rumbled. " Go and get fatter on the mountain and I'll eat you on your way back ! " So the middle-sized Billy Goat Gruff scampered across to the other side.

The troll did not have to wait long for the third Billy Goat Gruff. Tromp-tramp, tromp-tramp went his hooves as he stomped across the wooden planks. Bong-bang, bong-bang went the big bell round his neck. " Who's that stomping over my bridge?" roared the troll, resting his chin on his hands. " Billy Goat Gruff, " said the third goat in a deep voice. " I'm going up to the mountain to eat the lush spring grass. " " Oh no you're not, " said the troll as he clambered up on to the bridge. " I'm going to eat you for breakfast ! " " That's what you think, " said the Biggest Billy Goat Gruff. Then he lowered his horns, galloped along the bridge and butted the ugly troll. Up, up, up went the troll into the air... then down, down, down into the rushing river below. He disappeared below the swirling waters, and was gone. So much for his breakfast, thought the biggest Billy Goat Gruff. " Now what about mine ! " And he walked in triumph over the bridge to join his two brothers on the mountain pastures. From then on everyone could cross the bridge whenever they liked - thanks to the Three Billy Goats Gruff.

Moral of the story: If you pick on someone, make sure they can't kick your ass or that their big brother can't either.

Hi, I'm big brother. Now where is that troll?

quick update on the changes. . . . . I'm here. . . . . you?

2007-03-01T09:25:00.000-05:00

I have had a rash (not that kind) of horrid and smelly trolls cavorting about the place and generally trying to wreak havoc. Poor smelly trolls, they have no chance at bothering me because I could not care less about trolls. So they sought to impersonate me, the great Spiffy and turn me into a Troll. Now, I have a little evil alter ego now running around trying to ruin my name. This is an advanced technique for trolls, but also a last ditch effort to win. It's an all out assault. hehehehehehehehehe, it's pathetic is what it is. I mean, it's a bunch of idiots I don't know and if I did know them, they would try and be all sweet because they are ultimately afraid of confrontation. Bunch of cowards. Dissagree? He's my blog, where's yours? OOOOOhhhh that stings a little, huh?

Here's the thing, trolls want you to play by their rules. They want you to think they play by rules. They don't. They come waltzing in, thinking to embarrass you or leave nasty comments to get into your head. If they had a blog of their own, then, then it could be fun. You could go back and forth and just ruin each others self esteem until a winner is declared. Sadly enough, trolls are too stupid to ever win. So they hide behind annonymity. They won't put up a blog where they can be subject to return comments. They sit and stew and after hours of thought come up with "You're such a moron" and then think they've done something big. It's really a lot like getting into an argument with a 7 year old. They are not smart enough to understand that they are just too stupid to win. They don't understand when they've lost. They eventually leave, thinking they won. Fine. think what you want. You win. I suck. but maybe you should think about something. There is one of me, and 10 of you. I'm still here. I have a blog with posts and comments. I say bring it, but if you want to get into it with me. . . . put up a blog and get some comments going. Otherwise tuck your little troll tail between your legs and scurry back under the bridge. Cowards.

Just so you know what you will be getting into. I break Trolls spirits, I end their will to live. I ruin them and then piss on their corpse. How do I do it? I am better at what they do than they are, I'm smarter than they are, I am more stubborn, I am more persistent, I am more ruthless, I don't care if I lose something as long as I win in the end. Nothing is off limits for me when it comes to fighting it out. I am not a super-hero who fights trolls by some code of morals and ethical standards of conduct that you can manipulate and use to break me. I am a vigilante who will do what ever it takes to end the trolls existence. If some innocent people get caught up in the mix and get hurt. . . . . . fuck em. . . . . they should have stayed out of the way. If you can't step up with the big boys though, I won't even acknowledge you exist. It's my catch and release program. When you get big enough to be a challenge, I'll break you then.

I'll open up comments in a little while, there is some formatting crap I have to take care of first. I await your troll smell with an eagerness to begin destroying your self esteem. I've packed a lunch and put the off-road tires on the wheelchair, so let's get this party started!!!!!!

Red Letter Day for Personal Growth of Me

2007-02-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

It has been brought to my attention recently, from an assorted group of fairly unreliable sources (aka Trolls), that I may be a racist. It has been suggested that I am a white robe wearing card carrying member of the KKK and possibly the anti-christ as well. Well, let it never be said that I don't look into all possible opportunities for personal growth.

So, I did a little research and checked with the people who know me best. The following is a general consensus of their input. Scoring will be listed as points for me being racist and points against. Currently the score is 0 to 0.

From my Step-father (a 64 year old black man who lived in the south during the civil rights movement) I quote, "Boy, you are about as racist as a piece of toast." To which I can only deduce that since toast is mainly made from white bread and only favored if it is browned and not blackened, that I hate black people or at the very least I am against wheat bread. I count this as 1/2 a point apiece since bread doesn't care who eats it. I was unaware, so I sought a second opinion for insure a good cross section of data. Score = .5 to .5.

From my brother-in-law (a 49 year old black man with 2 mulato children that happen to also be my niece (2 kids) and nephew (0 kids) and two children from a previous marriage who are my step niece and nephew who I love them like blood kin) I got this opinion. "If you are racist, then I must be the next President of the United States." So there you have it. My brother in law must be Barack Obama or Al Sharpton (if he decides to run this time), though he doesn't look anything like the pictures of them I've seen and thus destroying a myth that all black people look alike. Since there is some question as to whether this means I'm racist or not, I guess we'll know in November of 2008. Again, I sought a third opinion. Score = 1 to 1

From my Step Mom (a 67 year old caucasian woman in reference to my Great Great Grandfather - who was an escaped slave from Georgia - and what his opinion would be) My step Mom only knew my G-G-Grandad for a short time, but what she remembers his feeling were that while not every white person from the South was necessarily racist, but that many had a tendency to think poorly of anyone not of English descent. They didn't particularly like the English either, but if you were an American of English descent, you were probably ok. Since I am of German, Scottish, Irish, African, Native American, Spanish, Portuguese and Finnish descent, and live in the south. . . . I must be at least inclined to dislike people not of English descent which includes myself. Again, not a strong case for racism, so I sought a 4th opinion. Current score = 1.5 to 1.5.

From the associate pastor at my church (a late 40ish - just guessing here- black man with a wife and 4 kids who attended Spelman college prior to going to the seminary) I received this bit of wisdom. "I don't think you are racist, unless you consider stupid people to be a sub-race of the human race as a whole. Ignorant people, you are ok with, they just don't know any better. It's the people that choose to be dumb that you can't stand." A truer statemant has never been spoken. This brought up another point that I had not considered. The sub races of humanity and how they are divided. Historically, races have been classified based on appearance, region of origin and religion. I have never heard of a race being classified based on intelligence, so I have to count this one in my favor. Current score = 1.5 to 2.5.

From the woman I dated immediately prior to meeting my wife (a 33 year old black woman who is currently married with 2 children) who I still talk to occasionally and we all get together about 3 or 4 times a year to catch up. She said, "not unless you were trying to cover up a deep seeded trauma associated with and resulting in hatred for the African American people and manifested by living in direct opposition to your own feelings and beliefs, which would put you in the mentally unstable class in itself and probably mean you weren't socially functional in society as a whole." Yes, she graduated and got an Phd in Psychology and often speaks in horribly long run on sentences that she then has to repeat 17 times becuse no one understood what the heck she just said. Kinda like that. Currently she works with with abused and battered children to help them overcome the trauma of rape, torture and other verbal and physical abuse usually perpetrated on them by a family member or friend of the family. Hmmmmm, I wonder if her vehement feelings of disgust at people who abuse children has rubbed off on me a little? Maybe. Again, I think this one has to count for me here. I can function in society pretty well. Current score = 1.5 to 3.5.

I thought I'd try and get an unbiased opinion and seek out some people I don't have particularly close relationships with or don't see that often anymore just to balance the study group. From the guys I play wheelchair basketball with every other Thursday (of the 14 or so guys that show up - 3 of us are white) I got that I was maybe not as tolerant of anyone who wanted special dispensation because of their race, but I was all for an equal playing field. (I would count this as a point in my favor) Score = 1.5 to 4.5

From my High School Basketball coach (who was a black ex-nba bench rider for 4 years and played in Europe for 3 years - I was also the only white guy on the team my Junior and Senior year) I quote, "You are the only white guy I know who is racist towards white people and nobody else." (I have to count this as a point for and against, since it does declare me racist to some ethnic group) Score = 2.5 to 5.5

From my Nigerian co-worker who grew up under apartheid, "You are definately not what I would consider racist in any fashion. I experienced racism in the most personal of ways, and I would say that you are most tolerant and embrace diversity." Score = 2.5 to 6.5.

From the Indian (from India - he is Hindu) owner of the company I work for, "I would not have hired you nor kept you employed by my company if for one moment I ever had any doubt as to your tolerance and understanding of racial or religious sensitivities." Since he did not immediately hand me a pink slip, I count this as a point in my favor as well. Score = 2.5 to 7.5.

In doing the math, I am forced to come to the conclusion that I am in fact at least partially racist. From further deduction, I have deduced that I am 5% racist towards wheat bread, 15% racist towards white people not of American birth and English descent, and 5 % racist if my Brother in law is not elected President in 2008. This means I am 20 to 25 % racist towards the minority of bread and majority of white people. While yes, that is a low percentage, any percentage is too much. Therefore, I will be contacting the ACLU and NAACP immediately to see if they offer counseling services to help me get over my abhorence of wheat bread. Wish me luck.

Men have an On/Off switch. . . . and no, that's not the one I'm talking about. . . . . gutter mind

2007-02-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

Men have an amazing survival characteristic that women do not have. No, I am not referring to his twig and berries (to quote Austin Powers). I am referring to his ability to completely and utterly shut down a part of his life and the world in general yet remain functional in so many other aspects of life. What? How and why a guy can block out your voice and actually circumvent the laws of physics and see around you if you stand in front of the "game". This is also a carry over into his being able to completely and utterly cease to exist. . . . well, for any useful purpose that is, or if you are trying to call him.

It all goes back to our evolutionary path (before anyone has a coronary --- I believe that God created the heavens, earth, stars, moon, sea, land, plants, birds and fish and all the animals of the earth. . . . including man. . . . and subsequently woman) and the environmental influences that shaped it. Like I said, God made us, in his image - we just adapted from the initial creation after the fall from grace. Anyway, this is not a religious debate, but a evolutionary tale. . . . . not tail. Not that kind of evolution. But I digress. . . .

So let's go back and revisit Swamp Guy and Gal. When we last left them, they had just survived a near fatal croco-gator attack and had just established the 1st gender specific roles. The next task on their agenda was to figure out what other differences they had. Well, you can image that the figured out what appendage the guy had and the lack there-of that gal had and how they really should go together like some pre-historic jigsaw puzzle. Well, they put the puzzle together a few times and whammo!!! Swamp Gal is puking her guts out one minute, crying the next and trying to kill Swamp Guy with a stick the next before puking some more.

Well, you can imagine that Swamp Guy is seriously reconsidering his position in the fledgling society. About the time that Swamp Guy has decided a life of solitude is the best course of action (even if it means no more jigsaw puzzles to put together), Swamp Gal turns all sweet and loving and wants to put the jigsaw puzzle together ALL the time, three or four times a day. Which is great by Swamp Guys estimation. The downside is that Swamp Gal is now almost always ravenously hungry and is starting to "round out" in the middle a bit. Her boobs are also getting a little rounder, so he thinks that is an even trade. Since she can't see the ground at her feet as well any more, she is also spending her time in the more familiar environs of the cave sweet cave and it's immediate vicinity.

The ravenous hunger and less travel part poses a bit of a problem. Since Swamp Gal isn't quite as light on her feet now and she tires much more easily, her ability to contribute to the food supply is greatly reduced. She is, in effect, limited to gathering things close to home like berries and nuts and such. It is up to Swamp Guy to carry a greater percentage of the food needs, primarily the fats and proteins. This means hunting more. Well, I don't know much you know about hunting, but hunting requires a lot of concentration and dedication to the task at hand. Any distraction can cause a mistake and cause the unwary quarry to become wary. . . . often at a full on sprint in the opposite direction. Basically, careless and distracted Swamp Guy becomes hungry Swamp Guy. Hungry Swamp Guy means a hungry Swamp Gal, and a hungry Gal doesn't have energy for doing a jigsaw puzzle. Needless to say, Swamp Guy has plenty of motivation to procure some hamburger or something.

An additional incentive to remain focused is that the prey animals are also usually being stalked by the other major predators of the age. These lions, tigers and bears (oh my) are not as discriminating in their choice of food and will eat Swamp Guy just as readily as a prehistoric antelope. Not a pleasant thought for Swamp Guy to be sure. So, his task is to find, track and then stalk a large grazing animal and remain completely impervious to anything that would cause a normal or involuntary reaction and ruin his chance at killing a prehistoric moose (a megacerous, for those of you with a penchant for archaeology) or other animal until he was close enough to burst forth in ambush and spear his intended supper to death. A secondary, but no less important task, was to do all that stalking and killing while maintaining a portion of his mind open to the keys that indicated HE was being stalked by a large carnivore.

With these influences, Swamp Guy develops an incredible resistance to outside influences during the "hunt". In this heightened state, the testosterone levels increase, the peripheral arterial system contracts, blood pressure goes up, heart rate increases and tunnel vision occurs. These physiological changes make the minor distractions and annoyances so insignificant as to be almost non-existent. The cerebral cortex of the brain makes sure that the sensory input that will prevent Swamp Guy from being lunch as he tries to get lunch does not get lost in all this blocking of distraction.

Over the years, as food acquisition became less dangerous, the evolved traits of the hunter just shifted focus. Now, instead of the situation providing the physiological stimulus necessary to the evolved survival traits to exert themselves, anything that causes the physiological changes evokes the "hunter/hunted response. That is why a guy can watch the game and miss everything you say to him, but still hear the refrigerator door open from 100 feet away while he is yelling at the TV about a blown play/penalty and ask you to bring him a beer or a snack since you are already in the refrigerator. It also gives him the ability to completely block you out when he doesn't want to be distracted or if you are arguing. He treats the gal like an itchy spot on his ear while he is mid-stalk of a moose. The possibility of getting a beer is more of a basic survival characteristic, like avoiding a hungry lion. It is just that simple. We can completely block you (the woman) out when the situation puts us in hunter mode.

We are just a more evolved version of Swamp Guy. Another couple thousand years of the easy life and we should grow out of it.

The mind of a genius, or just as likely an idiot. . . . too close to call.

2007-02-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

It is cold, drizzly, wind-gusty, and an incessant drip from the eaves is falling onto the window pane. This is slowly driving me insane. I can hear it over the i-tunes playing from my desktop since it has to be at an acceptable "office" level. So, no Bill Withers blasting at 139 decibals (since hearing loss occurs at 140 decibals. . . . safety first I always say) to cover up the plock. . . . plock. . . . . plock. . . . facial tick. . . . . plock. . . . . . . plock. . . . . . . cringe. . . . . . plock. . . . . . you get the picture.

Well, in an effort to stall the insanity until I can call it a day and go home. (plock) I was listening to the voices in my head. No, they are not Cybill like voices or separate entities telling me to kill people or that I am the Christ, but they are all different me's. (plock) It's like I am a big company, and there is a big workforce of little me's running the show. It's like a unionized workplace. Each mini-me has a (plock) specific job and basically controls that part of me. For example, the maintenance man hadles all of the daily druggery of teeth brushing, bodily functions, showers etc. The Dietician (plock) makes sure I eat, the Doctor monitors all bodily functions, and so on and so forth. Sometimes they have to get together for scheduling conflicts, some times necessity (plock) puts two or more individuals needing the same task accomplished so their is coordination. As with any other corporation, sometimes one person or group's needs take priority over anothers. There is a Board of Directors (plock) and Managers, so to speak, of the most intelligent and wise mini-me's that handle most things, but anything that requires decisive and conscious action has to be approved by a majority of the council and ratified by the CEO. . . .that'd be me. (plock)

So, now that you understand the way it works, these voices in my head are telling me to smash a chair through the window and remove said offending drippy eave or (plock) window pane with a sledge hammer and crow bar (both of which happen to be in the corner of my office right by my hardhat and safety glasses -- remember, safety is your responsibility). Anyway, as CEO, I recognize that I will be creating a different (plock) and much bigger problem if I do as my mini-me's want me to. As that that is all any of the mini-me's care about right now, I am having a hard time in finding a way to get them to move past this and on to other things. I have tried working diligently, I even made some business calls, and changed the music selection to accept the discordinant drip sounds (plock) more bearable.

The Board has suggested that I

take a 1/2 day and just go home,
screw the office mandate for music levels and crank it up,
put on my headphones and drown out the world,
stuff marshmallows into my ears thus damping (plock) and blocking the sound waves sufficiently and therefore rendering me temporarily hearing impaired,
and finally, eat a bag of loud crunchy chips to cover up the drippy sound.

There is a reason I have these guys as my Board of Directors, these are all good ideas (except that marchmallow one). The 1/2 a day sounds best, (plock) especially sice it is Guy's Night Out and I will be going and eating Chili and burping and farting a lot from from about 5:30 until 11:00 or so. It would be nice to spend a couple of hours with the wife and kid. But, since I only have 3 vacation days saved up and I want to take the family to the beach in a couple of months. . . . not the best option when weighed (plock) out against quarterly goals.

As the office supervisor, (right below the office manager, Company/Office VP and Company President -- making me #4 on the totem pole) I can't really say screw the policy. . . . I helped establish it. That sucks, but again sacrifices have to (plock) be made. Additionally, too many calls and intercom messages to really block out the world, so that's out. I have dismissed the marshmallow idea out of hand and now have to set up a performance evaluation with "drunken party mini-me" to determine if I need to replace him on the Board. I'm not really sure how he got on the Board in the first place unless he was just a carry over from the days of military and college life me. I probably (plock) need to keep him on the Board just to keep things fresh. I guess I'll just give him a stern talking to and then let him have a little more say at tonight's festivities so he'll know I still rely on him. . . . the ego on some of the Board members is so fragile sometimes (plock).

The chips idea sounds good, especially some Zaps hotter than hot Jalapeno's. . . . MMMmmmmm! Then again, meeting in a little while and I don't want nasty chip breath. Plus, since I am going to be eating chili and stuff tonight (plock) and I haven't exercised my allotted 4 times (try 2 instead), then the chips would be detrimental to another of the quarterly goals. Basically, the smash and bash option is sounding better and better.

As CEO, sometimes you have to make command decisions. I am going to get out of my office and go work on some plans in the (plock) conference room, take my ipod with me and have the receptionist send most of my calls to voice-mail and then go home two hours early and use a little sick time. . . . sick of being here time that is. (plock) Oh, the maintenance supervisor just called up and said we need to empty the body's urine receptacle. . . . . I don't know why he refuses to call it the bladder, but I gotta pee, so I'll talk to you later.

How does your mind work? (plock)

Not everyone can be so lucky as to pee while standing up.

2007-01-29T13:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have been a slacker. I have not gone all cool and graphics on you. I have slowly strung my few readers along until they are ready to give up hope. And I have been posting crappy posts. . . . . . . I guess you could say it was time for a change.

Therefore, my good and gentle reader, this blog will be upgrading to the new version soon. In addition to the upgrade (we'll see how much of one) to google, I will be doing an upgrade to the posts. Hopefully that is, I plan to get back to the basics. The meat and potatoes of the Spiff-man. I know, you're wondering if you really want to see my meat and potatoes laid bare before you. . . . . . uhm, no, too easy. . . . . . . but I can assure you, it will return to being more along the lines of this post http://truthaboutmen.blogspot.com/2006/09/dont-complain-about-all-power-men-have.html .

I just realized that other post was funny, so I just implied you'd be laughing at my meat and potatoes. . . . . . . well, you might at that. I don't care because I pee standing up. That makes me special in a way that only another man can understand. Think of the power that a person who could pee while standing erect (no pun intended) would have evolutionary-wise over someone who couldn't. Lets say a Man and a Woman just crawled out of the primordial ooze and are standing there all unsteady and wobbly. They look at each other, look around a little, and then start to grunt and undulate in a peculiar fashion until Swamp Man finally gives in and gasps for air. Once Swamp Girl sees that the guy doesn't die immediately, she starts to air breathe too.

Well, they both share a good laugh at their histrionics and panic. Nothing brings on the need to empty the old bladder like a good hard laugh. A typical STP (that'd be Squat-To-Pee) would have to hunker down and place her feet wide and stick out her butt a little to keep from peeing on her grass skirt. I know it was a seaweed skirt, and it wasn't a purposeful skirt, but swamp girl was planning on eating some of that swamp lettuce later and didn't really want to douse it with urine. Swamp Girl may not have silk napkins, but that doesn't mean she's a savage.

Anyway, while Swamp girl is doing her thing, Swamp guy just cuts loose and sprays an arc out into the swamp to watch the ripples. About the time that the Swamp girl is lowered into the deep squats (you know that position where you have to bounce a little before you can actually stand up) and is just letting go good, before the last few drops of pee fall off of Swamp Guys johnson (amazingly enough, it was called a johnson even then) the ripples cloud the vision of the mother of all huge crocodiles and cause it to prematurely blast out of the water to make a lunch out of the Swamp Family Robinson.

Well, as you can imagine. There is nothing quite like being attacked by a primordial lizard to cause you to empty the bowels. . . . . immediately. As the historians disagree on what happened next, there is some room for debate on the next few moments. It is agreed that both Swamp Guy and Swamp Girl escape from the Giant Crocodile. Whether it went after Man or Woman first is up for debate. It is generally agreed upon that if the crocodile had gone right after Swamp Girl, then the history of mankind would have been a lot different, and a lot shorter because that would have left Swamp Guy all alone and you know how much information guys pass on. Anyway,

It is theorized that the erect guy had a momentary warning before the crock exploded right into Swamp Girls face. As any gentleman would, he was trying to warn Swamp Girl before this occurred. As that she was already in the deep squats, this was a futile warning and Swamp Guy would subsequently decide that warning Swamp Girl of things exploding in her face while he is erect and she isn't was a waste of time. (and so a tradition was born)

Anyway, He was turning and starting to yell when he realized he was the primary target for the toothy beast and (another first) immediately and explosively emptied his bowels. Well, the theory breaks down a little in the confusion of the moment here because no one can agree on the next few seconds. Consensus believes that in turning and voiding, Swamp Guy momentarily blinded the beast with fecal matter, allowing them time to escape. Since Consensus is an idiot, the rest of the research team has several other possibilities. Since it is my bloc, and my post, I will put forth my hypothesis for your review.

As Swamp guy leapt away from the maw of destruction, he did in fact defecate explosively and messily. In spraying sewage into the mouth of the beast, he created the first self defense mechanism. In essence, mace and pepper spray are just a chemical alteration of this idea. In addition to blinding the eyes and filling the mouth with the taste of death and decay, the sensory imput made the Crock believe that Swamp Guy was already dead, and did not need to be tooth bitten nor death-rolled and so he set about cleaning himself before dinner instead of mauling the hapless Swamp Guy. Much to the crock's chagrin, Swamp Couple snuck off to discuss their learning of the differences between them and what other ramifications these differences might have on their evolutionary path.

It was determined that since Swamp Guy was ultimately responsible for saving Swamp Girls life, and she didn't really want to be the one dodging the crocodiles, She would laugh at his jokes and let him look all cool in front of his friends and he would keep the lookout while she gave meaning to STP. The bowel emptying look-out duty would be shared. Since it takes the Swamp Guy an hour, Swamp Girl has since renegged on her deal and now openly ridicules him in front of both of their friends, but such is life. It's still better to stand up than STP, and we can write our name in the snow.

Hopefully you will enjoy the revitalization.

You would so have loved me and wanted to kick my ass at the same time.

2007-01-12T09:48:00.000-05:00

I recently received an e-mail asking for a little insight into the mind of an admitted womanizer with female abandonment issues. Sounds like someone I used to know. Who am I kidding, you all know that it sounds like me. Just read the profile. I can see why someone would come to me for insight. Sadly enough though, there is only so much I can do with the information I was given. Hence, this post will be more about the general issue of dealing with female abandonment and my own struggle to overcome those issues, rather than a specific “to do” list for the unfortunate person involved with this self centered womanizing jerk. I can say that, because it takes one to know one. I remember who I was, I was a self centered womanizing jerk, I just covered it up well. So, on with the post.

1st off, the abandonment issues are something that will never go away entirely. You (he) can recognize the behavior patterns and realize that it is being caused by being abandoned as a child, but that won't change it. He has to be willing to accept ownership of his emotions and reactions and then change his behavior. That was the hardest thing for me personally and I still struggle with it, the changing of the patterns of behavior that is. Taking ownership of your own issues is easy, you're an adult for goodness sakes. Man up, damn.

I am influenced in many ways, for example: I hate to be wrong. No, I LOATH being wrong. I would rather suffer the ignominy of falling down an escalator backwards and completely nude at the height of the Christmas shopping season when the heat was off (if you know about shrinkage then you understand) than to be proven wrong. I become a serious ass when I am wrong and will argue and twist what was said until the other person gives up or thinks they were wrong. It goes back to me thinking, as a 5 year old child, that I had done something to make my Mom leave. If I had been a better kid, nicer, smarter, cleaned my room more. . . . then she wouldn't have left. Yes, I know this is a ridiculous thought process. As an adult yes, to a 5 year old – not so much. The things we learn as a 5 year old affect how we act when we are 6, 11, 19, and so on. Over time we establish patterns of behavior to deal with our feelings of inadequacy. These are the defenses we use to prevent being hurt. Yes, I know that nothing I did caused the divorce, I know that nothing I did made my Mom not come to visit, or to write or call or any of that stuff. But if I'd have only been better, if maybe I was as perfect as I could be, then I would never feel that way again because no one would leave me ever again. It's rooted really deep inside me. So, I have gotten better, but I'm still an ass about being wrong. It’s just not every time or as much of an ass as before. It’s an ongoing struggle.

A lot of guys have issues from a previous girlfriend (s), their Father being absent or at work all the time, their mother either leaving or being too possessive, there are millions of things that screw us up. Eventually, a person has to take ownership of their issues and seek to change them. I was abandoned by my Mom when I was 5. It hurt. A lot. To compound that, my older sister ran away when I was 10, and I haven't heard from her in over 15 years. I don’t even know if she is alive. I can’t find her. I’ve tried. Again, a lot of hurt and “if I’d have been better!” Both affected me and caused me to build defenses against ever getting left by another woman. There are other contributing factors too, you just have to look a little deeper. My Dad had to work late to make ends meat so I saw him a lot less than was ideal. There was little or no support system for us kids so we really had too much free time. Dad was worried so much about the bills and us eating that he didn’t have the time, or really the capacity, to help us develop emotionally the way we should have. I recognize that he did the best he could, under the circumstances. Now I see that, but not as a kid. So, then I grew up, I had issues stemming from my childhood. My biggest issue was trusting a woman with my heart. Look, until you become a teen and hang out with your friends all the time, you're Mom and Sisters ARE the women in your life. Every woman that I ever loved, left ME. . . . . so I wasn't about to love another one so she could crush me too. If I was perfect, everything a woman ever wanted and she couldn't/wouldn't wait for me or if she wasn't damn near perfect too, then she wasn't good enough for me and I didn't want her.

To look back at who I was up until I decided to change is in order (helps to understand the changes necessary). Ironically, since I made such an effort to be "perfect", it made me more desirable to women. I'm polite, in good shape, I can dance, I listen well, I've worked really hard at learning a woman’s body so she always has great sex with me, I'm smart and helpful, I can do almost anything you need done. . . . I’ll say it. If I was a woman, I'd date me. Sad thing was, I was missing the most important part for a relationship, the ability to commit myself to a woman. I was great, if you wanted a good time with no strings. If you wanted the perfect date for any occasion. Meet the parents? Sure, they’ll love me. I can be whatever you need, just don’t expect me to stick it out for the long haul. Crazy thing, I actually was all those things. It wasn’t an act (remember, I had to be perfect – by my own standards).

I was so sure of my greatness (and believe me, the reaction I got from women more than reinforced it), that I was determined to never settle for someone unless they met all of my requirements. That is for another post, but let me just say I was being a little selective. Not just in looks, but in everything else too. My selection pool was severely limited. To a potential mate that is. You want a date and some fun? A lot of good sex? Someone to show off and adore you? Call me up baby, I’m your man. . . . as long as you meet my minimum standards of looks and personality that is. Another thing, there were far more that DIDN”T meet the criteria than did. No easy come desperate chicks for me. I made an art out of seduction, out of making her want me, of getting her to pursue me. Then I’d let myself get “caught”, but I’d never let myself fall. . . . in love that is.

See, every woman believes that she will be the one to turn his head around and make him want to be exclusive. Make him fall in love and propose and promise to be faithful. In reality, the guy decides when he is ready to be married (mostly independent of any thought about who he is dating, if anyone - hard to believe huh - it's true) and he usually proposes to the current or next girl he dates (95% of the time this is the case). *It does not matter if he loves you or not. I repeat, when a guy decides he is ready for marriage, he almost immediately gets engaged. . . . regardless of who he is dating.* As a lifelong friend of mine once said, “You get tired of chasing all those chicken headed ho’s”. . . . . one of the all time great things spoken and 100% accurate.

There is a large distinction between saying, “I love you” and “I’m in love with you”. . . . until you actually say I’m in love with you. Then they become the same thing. I can say with all honesty that I never said I love you to someone just for sex, or if I didn’t love them. I just wasn’t “in” love with them. Semantics again, but it was just a lame justification I used then. A literal instead of figurative meaning. I knew what she was going to think so I would tell her the 1st time that I loved her but I wasn't in love with her. . . . yet. But every time I'd say it after that I'd leave that part out and she'd think I meant it the other way after a while.

Sorry, I was a jerk. I’m much better now. This concludes the “why I have the right to tell someone how to change” portion of the post. . . . because I did it, mostly, kinda still doing it – but mostly as maintenance and not repair. I’m close to having it all straightened out. At least this issue anyway.

I could continue, but I could go on for days about some of the things I did in my past and why but that is really far too much for this post so I will try and summarize. If you want to hear the sordid details of my past or understand the mindset and self-delusions that go into the justification process of a womanizer, then let me know. I’ll do a follow-up post to enlighten you on the twisted mind of a “Player” and why what he does works on you. Don’t hate the Playa baby, he’s got serious issues!

In Summary:
It can be done, the childhood overcome, the womanizing too. If he’s ready, if he sees that he is broken inside and it affects him in every part of his life. If he wants to be better, then with honest thought, reflection and a genuine attempt to modify his own behavior it can be done. Most people get to the “who can I blame” part and realize that taking ownership of their problems means work and they settle for blaming others. Most people never try and change, a lot give up because it’s too hard, some actually get to where they have dealt with all their baggage and have overcome it. Well, that’s the theory anyway. If I ever get there then I’ll let you know if there are others. I now have to go and hug my wife for loving me in spite of my past. Don’t be too harsh in the comments, I have changed.

Basically, as I see it you have 3 possibilities.**

1: He realizes he has issues, wants to change and makes a legitimate effort to overcome his behavior patterns and, after a couple of years, reaches a point where it is no longer controlling him. It still influences him, but it doesn't own him. A couple years later he is a new man and all is well. There will be an occasional reversion to old self for very short periods of time, a few days here and there.

2: He says he has issues and gives lip service to changing, but he is not ready/willing to put in the effort to fix it. He will basically spread a new coat of paint over himself to make it look like it is all better but will almost immediately revert back and act like nothing ever happened. If you stick around, he may eventually decide to actually change but you will probably be so full of resentment that you kill him in his sleep or he will marry the girlfriend after you and make you feel like shit "because you dated him for 3 years and that bitch was engaged to him after 2 months"

3:He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. In his mind, he is more manly if he sleeps around a lot. All the women want him, hell they may even fight over him (personal experience – a few times). Why the hell would he change? Just because he’s got a different hot chick every few months, does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and gets a little side action every now and again, all of his buddies think he’s the “MAN”. Shoot, he’s the man they all aspire to be. And a MAN doesn’t let anyone tell him what to do, so he puts off and stalls until you finally get frustrated enough to dump him. He moves on, that way he can be the dumpee. He’s not the bad guy. You were the crazy bitch who “kept pressuring him for marriage and all he was asking for was a little more time. He was committed to you, but he just had a few issues/job commitments/crazy family stuff to work through before getting married, but YOU couldn’t wait.” You’re a bitch and he’s a Prince to the next girl, who already sees him as “almost ready to marry”, so maybe she’ll be the one to tip the scales. . . . . that much easier of a conquest. . . . . . .

* This is providing that the guy has the opportunity and providence to date and the necessary social skills to have a woman stick around for a while. Those without these skills may propose to every woman they date. . . . . sometimes on the 1st date.
** Eventually every man moves from 3 to 2 in the course of their life. It might take 25 years or be when they get too old to womanize, but eventually they do. To get to #1 takes personal choice and commitment.

Promises kept

2007-01-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

Here are some not so random thoughts and a few loose ends wrapped up. Basically, promises promised and kept. . . . . . mostly.

#1: If I were at some point in my life a Boy Scout or even a Cub Scout, then the statement I made to Crashie http://crashedsite.blogspot.com/ would have been taken with more trust. As it is, never having been a Boy or Cub Scout, my use of the phrase "Scout's Honor" meant nothing. I'm sorry, but I actually did go camping with my actual father, I know how to build a lean to out of sticks, build a fire without matches (not that I would, because that is not exactly a leisure activity), skin and field dress a rabbit and/or fish (and other assorted wild game) and cook myself a campfire meal. I also know how to purify creek water, safetly cross a creek, build a raft etc etc. My Dad also taught me to be polite to the elderly and to try and give back to the community and environment. So, I understand the whole Honor and Integrity thing. . . . I just don't have those cool shorts or a bunch of patches. I never was a Boy Scout, but I taught all my friends who were how to do the stuff that earned them those patches. I tend to think of myself more as a Man Scout. . . . . uh. . . . . that didn't come out right. . . . . forget the whole man scout thing. That is a little too homo-erotic for me. . . . . but then again, so were the Boy Scout's (hahahahahahahahahahahaha) Boy Scout, no. Honor, Yes!

Promise Kept #3: I promised myself I would at least post once a week from now on. So I am killing 3 birds with one stone. I at one time had a loyal following of about 7 regular commenters. That number has reduced significantly due to my lack of posts and stalking other bloggers. I mean to make ammends for this travesty and again begin my quest for world domination through creating blog groupies. I don't have a legitimate "groupie" yet, so I have a long way to go.

Promise kept #2: I know this is a lame excuse for a post, but I never really specified that I would blow your socks off. So Heart http://lifeonthefarside.blogspot.com/ , I guess this will have to do. If anyone knows of a MBA job in San Fran and an easy way to get a work visa. . . . be a pal and pass on the info. But back to the socks blowing off. Heart did me a favor recently, I believe you all read the teaser about it below. Well, this is not the thank you post. I still have to take a couple of pictures. I know, lame. But I will tease you a little further with letting you know it was something that deserves far better than I can give from 3000 miles away. But oh the things I could give if she wasn't. . . . . . . .(insert innuendo here). . . . . . . . wait a minute? What did I just write. tease, yeah. deserves better, yeah. 3000 miles, yeah. Uh, ok. Apparently I have a little bit of a crush on Heart. . . . makes sense since I have been stalking her for a while. She apparently also has "needs" that I fill, so, you can see why my mind took a little detour. Sorry for the bumpy ride. . . . . . nah, too easy. The innuendo, not her! Well, I don't really know, but not her. I don't think. Anyway, our relationship is complex. A stalker turned friend so to speak. Again, hard to stalk from 3000 miles away, but I am talented. Not so much as Heart, but skilled none the less. (another teaser or innuendo as your mind allows)

You might be asking yourself, or questioning my ability to function in society since I went 1, 3, 2. But really, would you seriously think I wouldn't take the opportunity to be the meat in a Heart and Crashie sandwich? Sha, right. Did we meet?

Hi, I'm Spaceman Spiff. You can call me Spiffy. Tell all your friends, I'm back. . . . . to let you know. . . . . I can really shake em down. . . . . . dah dah dah dah dah. . . . do you love me. Do you love me, now that I can dance. (sorry for the Dirty Dancing reference, but as horrible as it is, you all know you like it) Pffft, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." I hope they shot the writer who wrote that particular line. I'm just saying.

Bumbles bounce

2006-12-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate the birth of Jesus (although we celebrate it about 9 months off from the actual date -- astronomers have confirmed that the "star of bethelehem" was actually Saturn reflecting through an astroid belt with a lot of dust in it. Which occurs regularly, and actually occurred on April 9th of 4 b.c. if we want to get technical -- but who really cares. Happy holidays to those of you who celebrate a different holiday, except those of you who only bask in the commercialism of the season and are just in it for the loot. If you fall into this group, then I have a different greeting for you. . . . . Bah! Humbug!

I am still busy at work, hence the lack of posts. I should be back to a reasonable amount of work after the 1st, so I will have some time to goof off and waste company time with posts again. Not that I would ever actually do that. . . . ok, Santa is watching so yes, I occasionally do goof off if I have nothing pressing on the agenda for the day. I just need to be independantly wealthy.

I will have a very eloquent (considering the source of the eloquence) post about a blogger friend who did me a wonderful service and made this Christmas for me up very soon. I have to get pictures of the items she provided so I can adequately convey the wonderfulness of the gift. I am a big fan. It was through her generosity and help that I was able to circumvent the budget for my wifes birthday gift, since I was able to save so much on the Christmas presents. . . . yes, I cheated the rules, but I followed the spirit of the budget. It is just a maximum allowable expenditure, not a suggested. I just rolled the extra Christmas money over to the birthday. It's all very legit.

I got this for my wife for her birthday (immediately after Christmas). I think she'll like it.

It's an ipod nano, 4 gig. I even loaded up a few pictures and songs to get her started. I will be in charge of keeping the songs that she wants on it loaded up. That is just one of my jobs. I get her a present and it creates more work for me. Oh well, I love her, so what else am I gonna do.

Anyway, have a wonderful holiday, and I hope you all get what you deserve. . . . no, scratch that. If you (myself included) got what you deserved then most of us would get coal. . . . or a spanking. That last has some possibilities ;)

Much love to all, and to all a good night.

I have returned from the Land of Deadlines and can resume loafing

2006-12-06T12:49:00.000-05:00

Hello all, I have returned from the land of immediate deadlines and now have a little spare time on my hands. I will have a post ready for your reading pleasure (depending on your preferences) soon. I just wanted to take a moment to say I am back, and I will be back in the groove for the near future at least.

So, what did I miss? I know you all have posted some interesting topics and I am still catching up. I may even build a post or two off of ideas sparked by your very own pages. I will be sure to give credit where credit is due. . . . unless I forget.

Christmas is soon upon us. I was thinking of celebrating Christmanakwanzivus this year instead of the traditional holiday spread. That way I can pick and choose the best of each holiday celebration and make my own. Maybe the multiple days of presents that Chanakuh has combined with the commercialistic version of Christmas that most people who celebrate the birth of Christ participate in. That way, I can have seversl days of overly extravagant gifts instead of just one day or several days of less fantastic gifts. Maybe the airing of grievances and the traditional family and heritage celebration can be combined too. That way, you can chew out your family and then give them a good gift to smooth things over. It'll give you several days to really dig deep into the things that bug you about your friends and family, and not feel bad about it.

What do you think? What parts of the holiday celebrations would you steal for your own, and what would you kick out of your usual celebration? Christmas tree or Menorah? Turkey or Ham? Stockings or . . . . what do the other celebrations do for stockings? Santa? Christmas eve or Day? Your thoughts please. . . . .

I haven't left, I have just been too busy to blog. . . . . the humanity.

2006-11-26T17:03:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been filling the web up with posts full of insightful and witty prose. But I never did that before now, so why should I appologize now huh? So, sorry I haven't filled the web with words these last couple of weeks. I have been a little busy.

I have been tasked with a project that someone else had, and piddled around until almost too late. So I have been throwing down some 11 and 12 hour days (and some weekends) to try and catch it up. The 100% completion submittal is this Friday, so I should be able to return to regular posts and commenting after that. Hopefully I will get it done. Basically, I had 8 weeks of work to complete in 3 weeks. . . . . yes, that really sucks. But I am close to being done. I am at about 95%, and with a little luck I'll be done on Thursday, so I can turn it in and still have a few hours to catch up on the work I have had to neglect for the past couple of weeks.

So, I have not forgetten or abandoned you all. I have just had my free time hijacked by the incompetence of others. I hate people who slack off and create extra work for others (by others, I mean me). Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving, for those that celebrate this American holiday. For those that don't, sorry you missed out onthe turkey and sweet potato casserole. See you in a few days.

Why is it . . . . . huh. . . . why do you think you can get away with it.

2006-11-10T13:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know I said I was going to break down the categories and pass on the wisdom (or insanity) of the male mind and viewpoint on women, but this is not it. I am too busy to put that all down right now, but I do have a few minutes to delve into something that has intrigued and confounded me for years. Why is it that people feel it is ok to talk to their best friend, spouse, lover, whichever in ways that they would never even consider talking to an acquaintence. Everyone has that person, the person that we can love as dearly as anyone on the planet, but if we get mad at them. . . . we speak to them like they are the lowest form of life on the planet. We might curse them, or cuss them, dig into their insecurities, basically say whatever it takes to hurt them in some way. Most of the time, we do it without thinking. We don't even think about it after we do it. It's like we read peotry instead of verbally assaulting the person. It just doesn't register with the verbal murderer.

I have seen it with best friends, with spouses, with co-workers, family. . . . but never have I seen it with a random stranger or casual acquaintence. Oh, I've seen people I don't know just freak out on someone, but I didn't know that someone either, so they could have been friends. I also know there are people who do fly off the handle at strangers and such, but this isn't about that. This is about why people think it is ok to speak to a friend, spouse, family menber, etc in ways that you know would hurt them, yet they would never ever think of doing it to someone we barely know.

Here's what I mean. Say you and your "other person" are out and about and your person pisses you off. I don't mean, spill your french fries into the floor and laugh a little about it. I mean, genuinely pisses you off, you know what would do it, imagine they did that. What is your reaction? Do you try and laugh it off? Or do you go into a verbal tirade about how they always do crap like that and you should have known they were gonna screw this up because blah blah blah. You get the picture. They just stand there and take it, slack jawed and appologize. Then once you've cooled down, everything goes back to normal.

I bring this up because of a conversation I had yesterday. I have never been someone's verbal abuse sponge, it was new and not so fun. Here it is as best as I can remember from where it started going down hill. . . . .

Me: I have no idea what you just said.

Person: I said " blah blah blah. . . . . . . (not important to the story"

Me: Sorry, I still couldn't hear you.

Person: I said " blah blah blah. . . . . . . (not important to the story" . . . . "Why don't you clean the dirt out of your ears."

Me: Oh, I hear fine. It was the fact that you were facing away from me, mumbling with food in your mouth, and the wind is whistling through the trees causing a lot of background noise that caused me not to hear you. . . . So, if you want to be heard you might consider speaking up a bit.

Person: Well you don't have to be an ass about it. Just say you can't hear me.

Me: Saying the words "I can't hear you.", isn't saying "I can't hear you"? What do I have to say to actually say "I can't hear you"?

Person: No, you said you didn't know what I said. That's different.

Me: Yes, but then I said I couldn't hear you.

Person: Well you were being an ass, kinda like now, so I didn't listen to what you said.

Me: I don't understand. You can not listen to me, and it's ok. I say "I can't hear you", and somehow that means I'm not listening and that makes me an ass? Then telling you what I said, when you weren't listening, means I'm being an ass again. That about cover it?

Person: Just shut up. Blah blah. . . You don't know what the hell your talking about. Blah Blah. . . . I don't know why the f**k I hang out with you. You . . . . . Blah Blah. . . . You're suck a f**king smart-ass. . . . know it all. . . . son of a bitch. . . . .

{roughly 30 seconds of verbal massacre. . . . at which point I interupt -- maybe a little rudely}

Me: Nnnaaaiiiiit!!!!! Wait just a second. . . . . I will not be spoken to like that. I am a grown man. You wouldn't talk to anyone else on this planet with the same venom as you just spoke to me. Not your parents, not one of your friends, or relatives or anybody you know. You wouldn't talk to a stranger that way. You wouldn't talk to your worst enemy that way so, I'll be damned if I stand here and let you talk to me that way. {then I did what can only be described as genius}

{in my best Cartman voice - from Southpark}

Me: Screw you Kyle, I'm going home.

{Which just left "Kyle" open mouthed and staring. Then I strolled around the house to the car, hopped in and went home to the wife and kid. "Kyle" didn't say another word. My buddy is Not named Kyle by the way.}

"Kyle" called me about 10:00 today and appologized for being an ass. I appologized for being an ass too (though I think I was entirely justified in my ass-hole-ness and didn't really mean it). All is right in friendville.

And I have seen some down right vicious spousal comments amongst friends. Like it was nothing but casual conversation with the husband. Usually the husband is getting his ass chewed out. Why is that ok? To lay into someone like they were not a person. To talk to them in a way that you would NEVER want to be talked to. I just don't understand it?

3 categories of women. . . . yes, there is only 3

2006-11-03T15:41:00.000-05:00

There is an idea, I don't know where it comes from, that many people (read: women) believe is true for how men "classify" the women in their lives. This belief is that there are several different classifications of women. For example, there are just friends, romantic interests, crushes, friends with "benefits", friends but you want it to be more, etc etc. Just so you know, this is false. There are only 3 categories of women (there is a 4th, but it is composed of blood relatives so it doesn't really apply to this discussion).

A: Women we want to sleep with.

B: Women we do not want to sleep with (but may or may not if the opportunity presents itself).

C: Women we want to sleep with, but won't.

the Forth category pretty much falls into category 2, except we wouldn't sleep with them even if we could because of the whole blood relative/incest thing. I guess you could take it a step back and have a subset category B1: Women we do not want to sleep with because they are relatives (may include women we would sleep with "if they were not relatives"). Now before you go all EEwwwwww on me, let me explain.

Men base initial categorization entirely on physical appearance. So 10 seconds after you meet a guy, you are either an A, B or C. You can move from one category to another based on a whole slew of criteria, but you fall into one category or the other almost immediately. So, if you meet a guy and two hours later you realize you are cousins, you may be making a move from A to B1 or from B to B1 and in some cases from A to C (here is where the EEwwwwww is applicable because he still wants to sleep with you even though you are related, but he won't. So I guess it's more of an eewww than an EEwwwwww).

No fault to the guy, he didn't know you were related. Also, you all have that one relative that you can acknowledge is hot. You know that if you weren't related, you would be all about the perv. Same thing with guys. If we have a hot cousin or other relative, we may not have fantasies or think of them in that way, but if we were not related then we would. So now that I have explained subcategory B1 you can take back your EEwwwwww, unless the eewww applies.

So there you have it, 3 categories. There are sub categories for each one, like an outline.

I. Categories of Women
A. Women we want to sleep with.
1. Women we know personally
a. Women we interact with on a regular basis (friends, co-workers, etc)
b. Women we once interacted with but have not in a while (old friends, acquaintences,
etc)
2. Women we do not know personally but have seen in person (may have had limited
interaction)
a. Women we see fairly often (waitress, store clerk, etc)
b. Women we saw once or twice (stewardess, hotel worker, etc)
3. Women we do not know and have never seen in person
a. Women that we know of (Jennifer Anniston, J-Lo, Petra Nemkova, etc.)
b. Women we know nothing about but have seen (Model in Calvin Klein add, girl in
commercial, etc.)

This is a rough example of the outline. I will give a better breakdown of the categories and subcategories in subsequent posts. So chew on this a while and let me know what you think. I will also give you some ways to move yourself from category to category and some examples of the women in each one (but better than the ones above). Where do you usually fall. . . .A, B or C?

I have a dream. . . .

2006-11-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

I do. I really do have a dream. I am not nearly as eloquent as Dr. King, and I don't expect to be able to write anything that is as profound or as powerful as his "I have a dream speach". Which by the by, I think should be required memorization and recitation material just like the preamble and bill of rights. . . . lets see, that was like 16 years ago. . . .

"We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our posterity, hereby do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States of America. "

Not bad, I'm gonna go and see how well I remembered it. . . . back in a minute. . . . . holy crap dude. The memory is apparently workin it out. I wasn't right on, but c'mon. . . . I'd get the A+ just on longevity alone. That rocks. . . . Mrs. Correro would be so proud. Here it is as written in the actual Constitution. . . .

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Anyway, I got off topic. My dream. I have been given the dream to accomplish something that I don't think I can do. Oh, I think it's possible. I am just not fully equiped to accomplish this goal yet. I have a good start, but I don't know if I will be able to do it. For one, I don't know if it is possible, I just think it is. Then there is the practical side. Is it practical, will it be what you think it will be. Is it a practicable solution to the problem, or is it some delusion of grandeur/pipe dream. There is the kicker, I could create what I am supposed to create in a couple of weeks. But to re-invent the wheel for a different application, for a niche that has very specific limitations and the same basic needs. That is what I don't know is possible, I just think I can figure it out. Insecurities and self doubt are so fun to deal with (read sarcasm here)

I ultimately know I will achieve this dream, because I believe this is why (one of the reasons) I am here on earth. That scares the hell out of me. Let me repeat that. That scares the hell out of me. Why? Well, I have a lot of dreams. I guess I now have a purpose. Do you understand. . . . the magnitude, the responsibility, the pressure. To have a dream is one thing, a purpose now. . . . that is an entirely different ball of wax. If you don't ever reach your dream, yeah it sucks, but it was a long shot anyway. It was just a dream, it wasn't really real anyway. If you don't achieve your purpose. . . . wow! Abject failure. You did not do what you were here to do. You are a failure of the highest magnitude. I firmly believe that God equips us for everything that we encounter. He never gives us more than we can take. . . . if we lean on him.

So, here's the thing. I have or will be provided with, everything I need to achieve the purpose I have been given. I am set up to achieve success. . . . but success is not guaranteed. If I fail (I refuse to fail) then it will be because of my own shortcomings or inability. It's all me. I can't do this on my own, I will have to learn more, trial and error until a design and later working model are built. I will need help both in the design and construction of my model. The subsequent revision/redesign/modifications. The testing, the marketing, the mass production. Holy Crap is this seemingly overwhelming. Deep breath. . . . . one step at a time. . . . . baby steps. . . . . . I'll keep you updated on the progress.

Oh, and I can't really tell you specifically what it is, there will be patents and proprietary processes involved so until I get that stuff worked out, it'll have to remain mum. But I will say that it is going to have worldwide application and impact, potentially. Not to put any more undue pressure on myself. Oh, and I have to do this on my own time, with a wife and kid, and full time job. God's grace is sufficient.

There, I said it. It's real now. Other people will ask me how it's going. I can't run away and pretend it is not for me to do. I have accountablity. . . . step one is complete. Step two, initial design to start immediately (actually be written out instead of remaining a concept in my head, calculations done, specifications developed, plans drawn). Step three, build a working model for testing.

I may be slightly obsessed.

2006-10-25T14:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, It is time to blow the lid off of the musical workings of the Spiffster. I know you probably don't care, but I was intrigued. I pulled up the media player, imported the entire directory and hit random. Now, this is just the music I have purposely installed on the computer at work. The stuff I felt like listening to at one time so I put it on here. Needless to say, there are some seldom heard goodies, one hit wonders, classics and currents on the old playlist. This is probably fairly indicative of my music as a whole, so you should get a better idea of who I pretend to be. . . . uhmm, I mean - who I am. Anyway. Here are the first 10 songs that played when I hit random out of 168 hours 35 minutes and 47 seconds of music (11.46 GB of my harddrive).

The Pixies "Hey"
Ray Charles "Hallelujah, I love her so"
Frank Sinatra "Someone to watch over me"
AC/DC "What do you do for money honey
Avril Lavigne "Mobile"
Johnny Cash "Redemption"
Dazz Band "Let it Whip"
Bad Religion "Against the grain"
BB King "To know you is to love you"
U2 "Staring at the Sun"

and I just have to include # 11 Violent Femmes "Add it up", because I love it so much. If I chose ten songs out of the weeks worth of music I have here, I really don't think I would have picked any of those songs. But then again, I can listen to more than 10 songs, so I don't have to pick the top 10 or anything. Whew!! I don't think I could do it. That's why I love the random.

That covered about 65% of the music styles I listen to on a regular basis. I typically listen to the XM radio for new music. I've gotten cheap in my old age I guess. Maybe it's that I spend 20$ a week in diapers instead of music. The hazards of getting older and having more responsibilities I suppose. It's a good thing I have a lot of music already.

The selection here on the computer is very limited. I have approximately 700 hours of music on the computer at home. Plus dozens of CD's that have never been put on the computer. Basically, I could listen to music 24 hours a day for over a month and not hear the same song. I think I have a problem. . . . I can think of 7 cd's I want to buy right off the top of my head. Is this normal? Is there a support group for this? How much music is enough?

Oh, I make the 2nd best playlists ever. . . . my wife makes the best. It irritates me that she is better at making mixes/playlists than me, but I enjoy the benefits to be sure.

A little Friday afternoon goof

2006-10-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

Here are 25 signs you are a grown up. This is in honor of some birthdays that have recently occured to my blogger friends. All of them younger than me, so I am just warning you if you haven't reached this point yet. There is no real order of importance, just numbers to separate the points of old age. Good luck.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You've watched the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 10.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore, or wouldn't eat Taco Bell if you did.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass

I still have a couple of signs I haven't passed yet. So I guess I am still young. How about you? This was a forwarded list that I shamelessly copied. Feel free to add your own or revise some of those listed.

A virtual birthday present for Jill. . . . she deserves a lot better.

2006-10-16T09:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'd just like to takes a moment and send a big old southern red-neck yell out to the birthday girl. Jill http://www.jillwrites.com/myblog.html, this is for you.

Happppeee Birfffffdaaaaaay Jjjjjjiiillllllllll ah!!!!! WwwhhoooooooooooHhhhooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure that you won't have to return it so I have taken the tags off already. The good thing about red-neck yells is that they really are "one size fits all". Also, I seriously doubt anyone else is giving you one. You might get a cheap knock off birthday yell, but the original is well worth the loss of social status to the givee. Now to the extolling of virtues. . . . . in mildly poetic form

If Jill was a weather pattern she would not be a tropical depression. Oh, no. She would not even be a tornado, a blizzard, or drought (except if she is inhumanly busy). Neither is she a deluge (unless she is, well, sometimes she may be a little too fast to follow), no hail of ice or locust plague. . . . . I'm not sure how locust get to be considered a "weather anomily" but they do. . . . . . Jill is not a hurricane, or her eastern cousin the typhoon. Not a bright summer day, or a fall morning of grey. Jill may be a Nor-easter, and yet she is not. Is Jill a dust storm. . . . nay. . . . nor one of sand. Jill is not a spring shower, or a late fall drizzle. A cold morning dew or a chilly fall frost. No dry weather cold, or humid hot day. No chance of showers or mostly sunny indecision.

If Jill were a weather pattern she would be a mid summer nights thunderstorm (with a nod to the bard). Lots of lightning crackling throught the clouds. A lightshow with emphatic sound. Moving and growing, expectations, reaching a peak and then simultaneous FLASH and BOOM. The thunder of Jill collapses the sound of night and silent awe grows in the aftermath of her bared might. Before you can collect yourself, she gently showers you with warm gentle rain of her soul, slowly growing in intensity until you begin to fear, too much? Can this go on? Will there be a flood?

But no, she settles into your heart and gently waters you with her life, the thing that makes her tick. Never more than you can soak up, but enough to quench your thirst. Her life waters go to feed you. Jill's don't come along into everyone's lives. But then again, not everyone loves the storm for more than it's rain. There is so much more to Jill than her rain. Jill is a summer storm born on the night's warm breeze. Love me some Jill.

This concludes the extolling of virtues portion of the birthday. Now on to the drunken debauchery. . . . . . I wonder when the birthday girl will come by??? Should we wait?

Just what you've always wanted, and never expected to get.

2006-10-06T14:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, I had this really cool post about self evaluation and the growth of man from one stage to another. How through the altering of responses to understood emotional hang-ups, one could overcome shortcomings or perceived faults and become a better person. How you can be better equipped and more in tune with the emotions and realities of life and those you love. But I fell asleep half way through writing it. Man was that some boring crap.

Suffice it to say that I have recently embarked on a journey into the inner psyche to uncover some truths about myself and try and reach a higher plane of existence as a man, father, and husband. Not necessarily in that order though. We'll see how well it turned out as time passes. I'll let you know if I succeeded.

Anyway, just what you wanted and didn't know it. I have decided to temporarily suspend the #1 man rule. I can't tell you exactly what it is, but I can hint. So, if there is something you just don't comprehend with guys. You've never gotten a satisfactory answer, or thought you were getting a little BS instead of the truth. I will tell you the 100% honest truth. The who, the why, the how and even the what the hell? Not softened up to save face, to make myself look good so I can get laid, not for any personal gain, but for you, my gentle reader, I do this for you.

Here are the rules. You must ask two questions. I will answer 1 question with complete honesty, the other will be a wholesale fabrication in line with those that guys regularly throw out there instead of the truth. You have to figure out the rest for yourself (believe me, it won't be hard). Smart ass questions will receive like toned responses, so use your better judgment with the questions. Really, make them count, you may never get this chance again. Ever.

Not to try and over sell this opportunity. But this is a once in a lifetime chance here. When was the last time that you were absolutely sure that the words a guy said were 100% truthful and that he took honest consideration of your words to heart and in turn spoke based on that thought. Yeah, never, I know. And the gay guy you were talking to last week, he doesn't count. He was lying too, he just tells different kinds of lies.

So take your time. Think of some good ones. You can team up with someone if you want and each ask one question, but then you'll have to figure out who got the truth and who got a lie. I promise to answer equal numbers for truth as deception. I will even answer more than one, as long as they come in pairs.

I might answer more truthfully if it is a really good question, or is a long standing misconception prevalent amongst society. As a bonus I will even ask the 1st question for you and answer in both ways to illustrate exactly what you will get out of this. On to the comments.

guys are just dumb. . . . that's the way we roll.

2006-09-22T13:39:00.000-04:00

Here is a universal truth about men. We are dumb. That is the answer to 90% of all men related questions. What was he thinking? He's dumb, he wasn't thinking. Why did he say that? He's dumb, he doesn't know what to say so he just blurted out the 1st thing that popped into his mind. And since he's dumb, it wasn't the right thing to say. You try it. It's fun. Ask a question about why or what a guy did something that you don't agree with or understand. . . . . . . . . . Oh, that's because he's dumb. He doesn't know any better.

See, almost every question can be answered by that statement. And before you start. . . . guys are also lucky. That is how we occasionally get things right. Very few of us are smart. And that takes a LOT of time and effort on our part, and who knows a man that is going to put that much time and effort into being smart when there are things to watch on tv. I mean, we can always grow intellectually and become a more aware person, but the SuperBowl (insert any show, especially a one time event that is not likely to be replayed) only comes on once a year.

I could go into a deep philosophical discussion on the evolution of the species (but Darwin already did that) or I could go all metaphysical or religious in the discussion, but I won't. Guys don't think about things the way women do. It is that simple. If you consider the capacity for abstract thought as the lead indicator in intelligence (and most evolutionary biologists, philosophers, psychologists and doctors do), then it stands to reason that women are smarter than men. Nobody thinks more abstractly than a woman with PMS, unless it's a pregnant woman. Simply put, women think in ways that only a woman would understand and guys think in ways that anyone can understand.

Wait, wait, before you go on a rant about how you don't understand your guy or how he came up with some thought let me clarify. 99.9 percent of the time a guy is thinking in a straight line. Logical progression from one step to the next, only looking ahead a few steps at most. Whammo!!! a problem arises, do we panic, do we fall apart. . . . no, we just re-evaluate and take as short detour to get back on the path we were on. We think little picture. We can think big picture, but we usually don't. Why not you might ask? Because we are the king of beasts. We are the male lion. We roam around looking for love, grow up and get a lioness and let her do all the hard stuff. We offer protection and safety.

That is our job. That is the purpose that women have left for us. Our job in modern society is to carry the bags, open the pickles, take out the trash and do the other menial tasks that women don't want to do. Oh yes, we make more money than women, we have better double standards than women, we can be ugly and still be famous. . . . but there is a trade off. . . . we get to be dumb.

We still run things because we are bigger and dumber. You go try and make a big dummy do anything. . . . I'm waiting. . . . . yep, give up yet? . . . . . . I told you, it just can't be done. So, sorry. No reasoning with a big doofus. You should try making us smarter, instead of yelling at us for being dumb. You made us this way in the first place, so be happy with what you created.

Man rule # 37. . . . . With good and sufficient reason, it is ok for men to cry.

2006-09-11T13:20:00.000-04:00

There are hundreds of rules that must be followed to be a man. Eyes straight ahead at the urinal and no conversation of a non-sport variety unless it was a continuation of an ongoing conversation and then conversation may only be with a person who is at an adjacent urinal, you must wait at least 6 months to date your buddy's ex-girlfriend (an exemption can be obtained if 1 or more degrees of separation exist), etc. etc. But this is not about them. I will include some of the rules and more importantly, the unwritten and secret rules of Man conduct in the future. But I would like to take this opportunity to focus on 1 rule. The rule of tears.

Man Rule # 37 states, "If at all possible, a Man is to refrain from crying where another person may see him. If it is not possible to conceal the tears, a good and sufficient reason must exist or the Man will lose 3 man points for each such occurence." Pretty plain and simple. Avoid it if at all possible. If not possible to cry in solitude, you must have a darn good reason. The entirety of the rule includes several examples of sufficient reasons for exception. But that is not the purpose of this post.

If there was ever a good and sufficient reason, this qualifies. It is the 5th anniversary of the attacks on 9/11/2001. Tears are not mandatory, but certainly acceptable. I still can't watch a tribute or a documentary or any show I have seen about 9/11 and not still tear up and cry.

Since 9/11/2001, I have cried exactly 17 times. 3 times in May 2004 when my wife and I had a miscarriage, once when my daughter was born in 2005, four times in the course of the year just holding her while she slept, and once again when she turned a year old last month. One time was for my brother and his wife after they had their daughter and after a near fatal birthing and emergency hysterectomy made it impossible for them to have more than 1 bilogical child. And 1 time when I saw the "Passion of the Christ". Every other time has been for the catastophe on 9/11.

I hope I always cry in remenberance of those who fell prey to the terror attacks. And just as important, my tears fall for those who were left behind to try and cope and move on with their lives when no logic or reason could ever soften the pain. My prayer is that all those that were responsible will be brought to justice, simply for the sake of those who lost a loved one.

I also pray that one day we will be able to live in a world that is free from the kinds of people who would perpetrate such a cowardly and dispicable act. If that day ever arrives, I will cry not for the loss of a good and sufficient reason to cry, but with joy that one reason to cry has gone away. May God bless the fallen and those left behind.

Don't complain about all the power men have and how it's not fair. Just deal, cause we have injustices too!

2006-09-07T09:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know from the title that some of you are already indignant and ready to beat the crap out of the old Spiffster. Hang on, give me a second to defend myself before you go all kung fu on me. What I am saying is there is one facet of our daily lives that women have control over ,and for the life of me, I can't figure out how it happened. Somewhere out there, some time ago, a man made a decision to say "OK honey, I'll do that for you even though there is no logical reason for it. I'll do it for you, because I love you." Of course he got the loving look and probably the loving "reward" later on that night. Little did he know that his decision would have lasting repercussions for the rest of the men in the world. It would start a revolution!

See, that woman told her friend Marge what her husband had done for her and how wonderful it was to have a husband who loved her so much to do such a thing for no logical reason. And just wasn't she the most lucky woman in the whole wide world and blah blah blah. See, Marge had rubbed her face in the fact that her husband had just bought her a new pop up toaster or something because he loved her so much that he wanted to make her day easier or some other stupid crap. And you know how competitive women can be when it comes to this stuff. Anyway, . . . so now Marge went home to her husband to see if he loved her that much. Turns out he did, and he got the same rewards. Both men were probably very happy with their decisions, it was such a small thing after-all.

What they did not expect, was that Marge and Jane would then go to their Thursday night bridge game and tell Sally and Mabel all about it. Well, right then it went from being a nice thing that the husband had done for his wife, with no hidden intentions or thought for personal gain, to an underground movement. They would seek to change years of logically and fair minded practice for the sole reason of proving to all women that guys can be manipulated and controlled. "Men are not strong enough to withstand us all combined." They shouted. "They will fold before us and it will be our first step in taking our rightful place as rulers of God's creation. We are women, and we are powerful! Sisters unite!!!" And birth was given to a rebellion in that suburban home over a hand of pinocle and four glasses of white zinfandel.

In a matter of a week they had changed the entire rotary club's husbands. Now with more of a base of power, the movement took on a sinister side. In only three weeks nearly half the town had been forcefully converted. The stubborn men would find any number of underhanded and dirty tricks played on him to insure his conversion. No longer were any rewards given, it was cut throat and take no prisoners. Now, rewards were witheld if the conversion was not embraced. Wives would often team up on the opposite husband ensuring that they out numbered the stubborn fool and badger him into submission. The favorite tactic was to have a stubborn husband over for dinner with his now cold and distant wife. Such a show would be put on that old Mr. Stubborn would see that peace could reign. Love and attention could again be his if only he converted. Many a tearful and apologetic husband had just a little of his spine removed to return to a happy home.

In a matter of a month's time the entire town was converted. In only six months, the movement had spread to every major metropolitan are of the country and had even made forays into the tradition bound rural communities where it had established a tentative foothold. Over the course of the year, a true epidemic had spread across the country and small rebellious cells were even suspected in London, Paris, and Madrid. No longer was it an underground movement. It was an all out rebellion, a full fledged civil war. Fighting in the streets, in the supermarket, even at little league games! Was the national guard called up? Did the airports and busses stop running to lessen the spread? Did the President make a state of the union address to rally men to stand firm and take control once more. No! He had been caught up and converted early on and was now a firm supporter of and even endorsed the movement. It was an election year after all. Soon, the majority of the country was in rebel control, and it was clear that the rest of the world had been affected as well. The simple movement had become a world wide pandemic.

And so goes the tale of a good deed gone horribly wrong. An injustice created from which there is no hope of ever returning. So with one simple little condescending "Ok honey" the rest of man-kind has been doomed. Oh, their are a few hold outs (mostly single men), and the occasional rebellious moment from a husband. But 99.9% of the population now does it without a second thought. Children are taught to do it from near birth. It is the way it is. It will never go back. It is still illogical. There is no reason for it that is not equally weighed on the other side. I bet I can convince you that it should be different, but it won't matter. We can never go back. It is not fair, but it is life. So the next time I go pee. . . . I will lift the toilet ring and then put it back down when I am done.

Can anyone give me one good reason that men have to put up the stupid ring, but women don't have to put it down?

The difference between naked and nekkid

2006-08-15T13:43:00.000-04:00

There is a common misconception that nekkid is just the southern pronunciation of naked. This is incorrect because nekkid has a different and unique definition all it's own. Well, it is a true statement that Naked and Nekkid are refering to the same state of attire, but that is where the similarities end. You can actually use naked in the definition of nekkid. Nekkid is a Zen like state of nakedness, a higher plane or consiousness if you will. I bring this up because of a post over at Jill's http://www.jillwrites.com/2006/08/i-believe-its-called-i-hope-you-know.html which raised the question in the discussion. So, this is there in the comments, but I put it here too with a little set up and some clarification for those not involved in the conversation. Enjoy.

Naked : to be unclothed, nude or without adequate cover. This refers to either a state of being, as in having no clothes on, or a state of mind as in feeling like you were totally unprepared for the given situation. "I had to get naked and put on a stupid paper gown for the examination" and "I felt like I was naked in the mall, the day after Thanksgiving, when I had to give that speech" are typical sentences that use naked. This is a very common and plain word. It is never an action word, only used as a descriptor. Boring!

Nekkid on the other hand is both desriptive and action oriented. Typical sentences range from "There I was, nekkid and with a plastic sword, three pounds of chocolate sprinkles, and a feather duster when Bobbie-Sue came in from the her shift at the diner" to "there was this crazy scream and histerical laughter from around the corner, and all of a sudden these three teenagers came barelling around the corner chasing what appeared to be a shaved tiger running on it's hind legs. Only when they got close enough for my bifocals to shift did I realize that it was four teenagers, nekkid and smeared in bacon grease and whipped cream running hell bent for destinations unknown, while singing the High School Alma Mater. And one was wearing Old Stuffy the Tiger's head. Believe you me, the principal of that school has lost control."

The origin of the word is from the Pig-latin for Ekkid-ne which, roughly translated, means to be naked with mischievous intent. In all actuallity, you may not be entirely un-clothed. For instance, you may be streaking about the neighborhood in tennis shoes and a fedora (90% of the body's heat escapes through the head so the fedora prevents the flu. And you want to reach an adequate speed to minimize bouncing and/or flopping, so you need shoes). If you do this, then you are not naked, you are nekkid. This illustrates the thought and planning that leads you to become nekkid.

A more accurate definition is to be naked, for all intents and purposes, with mischief or other hijinks in mind. For example, If you are planning on having sexual intercourse, you may or may not be naked. Maybe you are cold and keep your socks on, or maybe you are a porn star and must wear your hi-heels. You are naked (for all intents) but you have not achieved a state of nekkidness because the mischief is not involved. Sex in itsel does not count as the requisite mischief or hijinks. If you are planning on getting your freak on, then you are most assuredly nekkid because you may be in an elevator, some form of public transportation, or other wildly inappropriate location to be engaging in the act you are engaging in.

Nekkid entails a sense of adventure and/or danger and the possibility of arrest and incarceration. It could also include the loss of all social and/or familial ties with the "older generation" if they ctch you. The intent is often lost on the uninvolved parties until after the nekkid event is over, even then the intent may not be known. If you are caught being nekkid, you then become naked because the hijinks are over.

If you found a romantic and secluded rendesvous for a late night tryst with your sweety, then you get naked and make love. If you have found a corner of the student section of the football stadium that is mostly obscurred from sight and get your drunken sorority girlfriend to stip down and give you a hummer, then she is nekkid and even though you may be mostly clothed you are nekkid too.

Everyone has been naked at some point in their lives. Only the fun people have ever been nekkid. Naked is a state of being, Nekkid is a way of life.

"Carpe Diem" does not actually mean to sieze the day. It really means to get nekkid.

What we want. . . .the Men.

2006-07-17T08:34:00.000-04:00

The question has been asked for centuries. What is it that Men want in a Woman?
Let me go ahead and tell you, this is not going to be about being pretty, or smart, or funny, or having a good personality, or any of the hundreds of myriad things that people say when asked that question. This is the down and dirty! The be all - end all, undeniable FACT about what we want. I'll go ahead and tell you. You will smack yourself in the forehead and do a Homer Simpson when you get to it. This will also raise more questions than it answers, but I will get to all of those eventually. Yes, I already know what you are going to ask. I know, you don't believe me. Just keep reading.

What do all men want? Can it be quantified? Can anyone live up to the ideal? The answers is, at once, both simple and hard. Let me explain. It is simple because guys are looking for some very basic elements as to the women they prefer. Sadly enough, most guys don't know what they are looking for because they don't do a lot of thinking on the subject. Well, at least not a lot on what it is about women that they are attracted to. We spend plenty of time thinking about the particular Woman and what , um, . . . charms. . . she possesses (keeping it PG here). But I digress, we don't think a lot on quantifying the qualities we are looking for. We just know it when we see it. That makes it a little difficult for the ladies to know what it is exactly that brings in the men. So Mr know it all, what is the answer? Be patient and I'll tell you. Here are all of the wants and desires of every Man boiled down in one sentence. Are you ready. . . . "Men want a lady in public, but a whore in the bedroom". (Insert Homer Simpson moment)

Sounds simple doesn't it. Well sounds, much like looks, can be deceiving. Go to any club, what do you see? Who has the most men hovering around. The women who are dressed most provocatively, no doubt. That is because she appears to fill one of the two needs to be the perfect Woman. If you can't have both, men will usually accept a little slutty in public as a trade-off if we get what we want in the bedroom. Sadly, for a lot of women, that is not enough to keep men around for the long haul. So how do you put out the slutty vibe, and still be a lady? That is the hard part ladies. But I can help you out there too.

How can you be a Lady in public and bring the guys in by the dozen? While not exactly cause for a smack in the forehead, this too is deceptively simple. Think about all of your male friends for a second. When they talk about a woman to other women, what qualities do they point out. Yes, they say she's hot but what else. Personality, smart, funny, blah blah blah. Nope, not really what it is. Sorry, but that is not something a guy will be able to tell you. The reason is simple, Chris Rock said it well "Men don't have women friends, they have women they haven't slept with. . . yet". So a guy is not going to give you the Whore part of the equation. He is going to give you the PC, keep the option open answer. Well what does that have to do with the price of tea in China. Just how is that supposed to help? What is the answer? Again, patience is a virtue. Just not one that men care about too much until after they are married to you. But here it is.

How to be a lady in public, regardless of how you are dressed. Be a woman, and let the guy be the MAN. I'll give you a breakdown of the Man in a later post, but for purposes of this post, let the man remain what he is in his own eyes. Let him be the stallion he thinks he is. Even if you shoot him down, let him save face. Protect his ego and you will be a Lady in his eyes. It might not be enough to cover up belching and farting in church, or spitting tobacco juice on the floor, but it will cover up bad hair, a Fran Dresher laugh, and/or other things that aren't perfect.
How is that going to help bring in the eleven others Mr. Wisenheimer? Simple, if a Troll approaches and is not horribly maimed by your sharp wit and biting tongue, other (less troll like) guys see the face saving smile and the troll walks away without his shoulders hunched and shame written on his features. At this point, the unwritten rules of being a man (also for a later post) invokes "The Challenge". Other men will approach and see if they can be successful where less adequate men have failed. It is a matter of pride. Remember this, there is no bigger part of a man, or more fragile, than his ego.

Obviously there has to be more to it. There has to be something that can be defined, an ideal that can be held up as the epitome of all women. Sorry, the individual quirks of the men make it too subjective. Some guys like blondes, some tall women, some busty (well, we all like that) but the point is that some men place higher priority on the physical and some more on less tangible parts of a Woman. But it all boils down to the two basic wants of a man. To have his ego stroked and to have sex. If one is filled, you can do without the other for a fairly long time. But if there is no hope of ever getting the second part of the equation filled, we move on. Questions?

I am sure to lose my "Man Card" for this.

2006-07-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

Hello out there. I am going to be publishing a series of planned (obviously) essays on the common misconceptions about men, what we really think and mean, some of my own personal thoughts and ideas, and I will also take suggestions for something you've always wanted to know, and I'll answer your questions. Both men and women are welcome to put in their insight, I want this to be an open forum more or less, discussion is good. The truth is paramount, if you are unsure about some of the things presented here then just know that it is the truth as I know it.

I am very rarely off the mark when it comes to detailing what is in a guys mind or what women think we think and how guys use that to run game. If he's a gamer. . . I can tell you and also let you know what turns it around on him. If she's not feeling you, your game is failing. . . then I can tell you what will work. I will do so at my discretion in both cases, think of me as Hitch. . . .I do have standards of conduct (now).

Obviously I will be the moderator, let's keep it clean or at least no worse than a PG-13 rating. We never know who is in the blogosphere so I don't want to corrupt any more minds than I have to. I will eventually incorporate some of this into the description so future visitors won't be lost. Basically, I am creating a mars to venus dictionary with a little writing to boot. Hope you like it and come back soon. I'm guessing a couple of posts a week with comments answered everyday, probably.